Pride and Prejudice (BBC1, 18:30): a sub-standard reworking of Pride and Prejudice™; in this episode Lizzy Bennet™ spurns the advances of Mr Darcy™. How will Mr Darcy™ react? Will Lydia Bennet™ run off with the evil Mr. Wickham™? Brand-new drama sponsored by Mattell™.
Donnie Darko (C4, 22:55): mind-bending film. Warning; features strong language, sentiments of a de- pressing nature, scenes of mild violence towards a statue, one scene of strong peril, references of a sexual nature, 6ft grey-coloured bunny rabbit, 6ft orange- coloured Patrick Swayze, accusations that Patrick Swazye's character is a pae- dophile (his lawyers wish to state that Patrick Swayze is NOT, I repeat, NOT a real-life paedophile and is in fact a patron of a children's charity), contro- versial speculation about the sexual practices of Smurfs/Smurfettes, deep- ly unsatisfying ending. People of a nerv- ous disposition or a tendency to think suicidal thoughts, lovers of sculpture, prudes and insominacs may wish to reconsider viewing this film.