The recent Welcome Fair was infiltrated by the Gilet-wearing Conservative Society, who served biblical amounts of unlicensed alcohol to anyone who could make it through their 20-minute rant about Keir Starmer’s cabinet.
Sam Pavey
Those who made it to the end of their lecture were rewarded with a selection ranging from Cabernet Sauvignon to Port, Malbec, Merlot, Port, Pinot Noir, and Port. Moet and Dom Perignon were also available, but these were reserved only for paying Conservative Society members.
Wine-fueled freshers reportedly stormed the Print-Room café, claiming subsidised coffee was part of the Marxist agenda of the Students’ Union. Another source reports that one participant claimed ‘You could buy a house within 4 years if you stopped buying these damn unionised coffees.’
They were later joined by members of the Economic and Finance Society, who were also in gilets.
Issues stemming from drunk freshers often resolve themselves when they get hungry, however participants refused to get a kebab. One culprit claimed to have ‘quandaries with the safety of “ethnic” foods’. Further conflict was resolved through the bi-weekly Conservative opera social, where the hors d’oeuvres were strictly British. Servings included chicken tikka masala bites and the stereotypically English dish, kung pao chicken poppers.
One underage fresher was seen attempting to climb to the top of the Portico, shouting ‘Morrissey solos the Smiths’.
UCL staff acted with haste to confiscate any remaining alcohol from the Tories, loading crates of Wine into the patrol car to be ‘properly disposed of’. Bottles of Moet were later seen open in UCL Provost Michael Spence’s office.
The Cheese and Wine Society, who were also at the ‘woke’ Welcome Fair, were not available for comment, as they are currently on their 15th trip of this term to Tuscany.
