If you have been on campus anytime in the past week, you may have mistaken the Main Quad for Moscow’s Red Square in the Autumn of 1984.
Robert Delaney Online Editor
As many of you may have noticed, UCL security staff have begun checking IDs again at all campus entry points. One Cheese Grater correspondent asked a member of the security staff why this practice had been revived, to which the enforcer replied, ‘It’s policy,’ before swiftly whisking him along through the gates.
After a brief period of liberalisation, where IDs weren’t being checked, our glorious leader Dr Michael Spence, Commandant of the Purple Army and Chairman of the People’s Democratic Republic of Bloomsbury, has installed checks on his citizens again out of fears of counter-revolutionary protest on the Main Quad…
Once you make it past the checkpoint at the gates and towards The Portico (soon to be renamed The Glorious Freedom Dome Against the Western Devil) you are met with a sign for free food (sponsored by Linklaters, the law firm). What makes things even more Soviet is the insanely long line for said food and the objectively tiny rations of churros being handed out. The centrally planned economy works I say!
In other news, Trotskyist dissidents (the ‘Marxists’ who pester you outside the Student Centre and on Gower Street) have not been seen for a few days, leading us to believe that our Dear Leader has dealt with their counter-revolutionary behaviour.
Moreover, the UCL Art Museum in the South Cloisters, which houses counter-revolutionary manuscripts and art from some of the worst Western liberal dogs (Bentham, Condorcet, and Orwell) has been forced to vacate the premises before the grand reform of the Wilkins Building and Main Quad gets underway. The people need the right kind of art, none of this Anglo-Franco-Libero crap!
All in all, the Guardians of the Revolution are doing a great job at pretending that nothing happened on the Main Quad last year, despite their actions signifying that something very much did.
N.B. If I go missing after this goes to print, tell Nick I love him.
This article appeared in the Digestive – Issue 1
