For several weeks now, many residents at John Dodgson House (JDH) on Bidborough street have been left without heating in their rooms.
As the winter months grow colder and several students report frostbite, UCL Accommodation has made this one of their top priorities.
In the chilly region of King’s Cross, temperatures can drop below more than -30 degrees celsius when the sun sets.
Residents of JDH have therefore been forced to turn on their ovens to burn the wood used to block silverfish nests in order to get through the night.
“The lack of heating is an incredibly complex issue that has no fixed solution”, said a spokesperson. “Previously we just told them to put on a blanket and grow up a little, but apparently that no longer prevents gangrene, so we have to take action”.
Acknowledging the loss of students to preventable conditions such as total organ failure, UCL Accommodation sent seven officials on a first-class flight to Svalbard to talk with experts in the field of deep, bone-crawling cold.
The Cheese Grater was graciously allowed to interview one of these officials when they returned.
Upon asking them how fruitful their trip was, they responded: “Yeah it was a bit nippy. The hot towels on the flight back really helped”.
The experts on Svalbard are part of a think tank that has previously helped UCL with many catastrophic issues, such as the mould crisis in almost all UCL halls (“they’re all just lying”) and the new and improved UCL rebrand (“that’ll be £30,000 please”).
Over the course of a two-week “‘study session”’, the representatives from UCL Accommodation and the geniuses at Svalbard came up with an incredible solution to JDH’s heating crisis —- “just burn a load of money”.
A spokesperson said: “It was simple, really. We’ve got all this cash just lying around and we don’t know what to do with it. It was either this or building a monorail from Michael Spence’s office directly to Sydney. And we can’t even do that —- they won’t let him in because they say he’s gone native.”
Starting tomorrow, a ginormous pit will be established in the basement of JDH. For the next few months, a large amount of bills totalling around £13 million will be flung into the pit and set alight, which UCL Accommodation hopes will “fill the halls with warmth and merriment”.
Residents will be forbidden from entering the Money Pit Room, however.
UCL Accommodation claimed this was because “one thing we don’t want the students to have is money”.
Because the central heating is a new feature of the building, UCL Accommodation has classed it as a renovation and as such will be upping the rent by a further 300%.
The Cheese Grater attempted to inform the JDH staff that money is made of plastic and as such will produce incredibly toxic fumes that will most likely choke the entire building. Unfortunately most of the staff have been replaced by evolved, sentient silverfish, and the language barrier proved too difficult to traverse.
