

UCL is an institution with a long and somewhat complicated history, and from this comes a long list of accomplished, famous, and sexy graduates. It has taken me a while, dear reader, but I have been able to compile a list that is extremely real and definitely believable. Without further ado, here is UCL’s top ten graduates:
1. Charli xcx
Right, I know she didn’t technically “graduate” “as such”, but to be completely honest I just think it’s funny that she came to do fine art and dropped out in her second year. Talk about Brat! Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha. I love a Bratty summer in Bloomsbury. Ha ha ha. I wonder if she ever did coke in the Mully’s toilets. Ha ha. Ha ha.
2. Imagine Dragons
One of the most iconic bands going at the minute, successfully completing numerous stadium shows over the summer, actually started their careers at UCL. Imagine Dragons formed at UCL in 1996, when Chris Martin and Johnny Buckland met and began writing songs with one another. Their hit songs include ‘Radioactive’, ‘Thunder’ and… Well… That might be it, actually. Either way, it was definitely Imagine Dragons that started at UCL and not some other band.
3. James Mariott
In a similar vein, we have another highly famous and reputable artist, James Marriott. Perhaps now he is best known for his number one album ‘Don’t Tell the Dog’, but I prefer to fondly look back on the times in which he spent all his time on YouTube bullying children. As far as I’m aware, he was never a member of The Cheese Grater, but given his track record he’d have fit in very well. Next!
4. Christopher Nolan
Perhaps UCL’s most famous (and relevant) graduate is the big man himself – Christopher Nolan. After studying English Lit at this prestigious institution, Nolan went on to become one of cinema’s greatest names. Some of his titles are decidedly better than others. Inception, for example. A film about some guy who didn’t murder his wife or whatever. A perfectly acceptable film. But it doesn’t hold a candle to Nolan’s greatest work – perhaps the greatest film ever made – Cars 3. God, what a man. A sensational talent. No wonder he studied English – famously home to UCL’s most popular, sexiest, most clever, and amazing students.
5. World’s funniest comedian Ricky Gervais
Next on the list is a man widely recognised as the best to ever do it – the funniest man alive. (Trust me, I am Humour Editor. I know Komedy.) Yes, ladies and gentleman, I’m talking about Ricky Gervais. Devout fans of The Cheese Grater will know that we won’t take any of that Woke Nonsense, and Gervais is the voice of reason that we so desperately need in these trying times.
6. David Attenborough, big fan of penguins
I googled famous graduates at UCL and good ol’ Attenborough popped up which I was well buzzing about but it has since transpired that this is a great big filthy lie and he actually went to Cambridge. SCUM!
Anyway, I’m going to pretend he went to UCL because I can’t be bothered to come up with any more names.
David Attenborough, famous for being big on penguins and zebras and various other animals, actually studied at UCL from [YEAR] to [YEAR]. During his time here, he spent a lot of time getting pissed in Mully’s and repeatedly ramming his head into the walls of the Science Library, which is a very common trend amongst UCL students. He studied in [DEPARTMENT] and was a [ADJECTIVE] student, specialising in [LOOK THIS UP LATER] and contributing much to the field of [???]. Yay animals! Or fish! Or… bacteria, or whatever. Onto the next one!
7. J. K. Rowling
That’s right everyone, the world’s favourite children’s author/fascist actually began her literary career right here at UCL! According to legend, the source for J. K. Rowling’s bigotry, the mould spores growing in her brain, actually originated in Ramsey Hall.
For those die hard fans of Harry Potter out there, you may even notice a few UCL references in her much loved series. For example, Ramsey’s infamous phantom shitter is actually the inspiration for Peeves, the cheeky poltergeist featured in Rowling’s novels. Who’d have thought! A little known bit of Harry Potter lore is that Dumbledore was actually a regular attender of Glittoris, and Ron Weasley found himself a part-time job at TCR bar pulling overpriced pints for freshers.
8. Jojo Siwa
Karma’s a bitch, and not many know that Jojo Siwa actually studied at UCL Medical School from 1986-1998. During her time here, she was a very active member of the student community, participating in many societies, such as Pi Media and RUMS women’s football.
9. Barack Obama
Barack Obama, famous for his love of and allegiance to the UK and absolutely nowhere else, spent many happy years at UCL before his greatest achievement (marrying Michelle). Interestingly, he was president of Tory Soc but unfortunately was impeached after the great incident of 1998. Please don’t ask. The Cheese Grater is no longer allowed to discuss the Incident. We can’t afford another lawyer.
10. Dragon (Shrek)
The sexy dragon from Shrek wait I mean the dragon from Shrek I don’t know how that happened I just meant dragon I don’t think that the dragon is sexy that’s crazy why would you even think that I mean-
Let’s just move on.
Dragon started at UCL in 2007, studying at the Bartlett before going on to have a thoroughly successful career in whatever the fuck it is that dragons do. She is said to have loved Gordon’s Cafe for some fucking reason, and also enjoyed spending her time in Kentish Town City Farm lusting after the donkeys. What a top lass.