Hey, it’s me Chuck Brody, the greatest personal trainer in all of UCL. I’ve been watching you at the gym, not in a creepy way I must add. I just wanted to give out some pointers for your next gym session, some of my best experiences came from advice I got from random gym members.
Leg day is a waste of time
Everyone knows the famous saying, lift with your back not your legs. The ladies love a man with muscle so focus on those pull-ups and deadlifts to really develop your back. Max out on the weights, foreplay is a waste of time. Honestly, who does foreplay? Why waste your time starting with smaller weights when you can just get to the main event. My girlfriend loves it when I skip all that nonsense, she’s been telling our mate Steve everyday about it. She’s been seeing him more often, guess word gets around about my fantastic technique.
Cardio? More like Cardi-NO
Running? Jogging? Walking? Using your feet is such a boomer activity. Everyone gets around on electric scooters nowadays, so why focus on cardio? You have to check out my electric scooter. I fitted it with a jet engine my mate got from a scrapped 747, got rid of the muffler, and sold the catalytic converter. I use it everywhere I go, when I’m commuting for lectures, shopping in Tesco, or going from the bedroom to the bathroom to take a shit. Now I’m the talk of the town, no one can take their eyes off me when I zoom across the pavement. Anyone who tells you that cardio reduces the risk of heart disease, diabetes, and high blood pressure are just nerds who eat too much sugar. Which segues me right on to my final tip.
Just stop eating
I’ve been doing this for 19 hours so far and it’s been fantastic. There are literally no downsides, and I seriously doubt any problems cropping up in a week’s time. With this you can one up those keto-heads who remove carbs from their diet and remove protein too. Best of luck. I’ll be seeing you at the gym. Again, not in a creepy way.
This article appeared in CG93
