Investment bankers now consider Wednesday Scala tickets to be some of the most reliable and high-yield investments on the market right now, analysts have said.
Bankers are said to prefer Scala tickets to Tesla stock, but then again, almost anything is currently better than Tesla.
Reports indicate that when trading closed Wednesday morning before the final Sports Night, Scala tickets hit an all-time high of £50, largely thanks to uber-rich international students who have way too much time and money. (Seriously guys, it’s literally Scala.)
This growth has caught the attention of major bankers, who have now started to purchase Scala tickets en masse.
James P. Morgan, a banker at a major investment bank, told The Cheese Grater, “Seriously, these students will literally pay anything to go to a meh club. It’s literally more reliable of an investment than US Treasury Bonds.”
“All I have to do is buy up all the Scala tickets, then post on a Freshers’ Whatsapp group: ‘Selling Scala’ and then bang! Within 2 minutes I have bids coming in left right and centre.”
Gold Mann Sacks, an economics student and the vice-deputy-co-social secretary of UCL Economics and Finance Society, posted on LinkedIn: “Dear network, Many see Scala tickets going on sale and think of a good night out. I see this and think about the revolutionary business opportunity it provides. To succeed, one must bring a different mindset…”
(The post went on for 10 more paragraphs, but it was a whole lot of nothing.)
Some financial analysts have expressed concerns over the fact that people have also been refusing to send the ticket after being paid, creating worries that it could create a financial bubble worse than the subprime mortgage crisis of 2008.
A spokesperson for HM Treasury warned: “Turns out people are making money without even having the ticket because these damn UCL students aren’t even asking for proof that the seller has it. Anyway, we will be cutting welfare.”
Reports have also indicated that US President Donald Trump is planning a series of tariffs to be put on Scala tickets. This further adds to the nervousness around a potential crash.
The Scala ticket financial bubble is currently at an all-time high, and leaders around the world are bracing for the expected financial crisis its bursting will cause.
