The recession is nigh — not because of a global trade war, Austerity 2.0, or any other nonsense, but because of the following indicators…
The return of shitty reality TV
For those of you without a social life, you may have seen that Big Brother is back. The beloved reality TV show peaked around the last recession and has produced some truly historic moments from “David’s dead” to “I’m claustrophobic Darren” and now it is back with a bang!
This year’s iteration includes the likes of self-proclaimed CEO of Gay Pop, JoJo Siwa, Former Tory MP and everyone’s favourite creepy uncle (who definitely doesn’t wear a toupee) Michael Fabricant, alongside a bunch of skint soap actors selling their souls for a paycheck to prevent themselves turning to OnlyFans, or worse… Cameo.
Our reporters watched five minutes of this crap for research purposes and had to listen to the obnoxious bellows of JoJo Siwa (who let her have a singing career?) Now their ears are bleeding.
Sadly, due to the latest wave of government cuts, we expect to be waiting 10 years for hearing aids on the NHS.
The Hunger Games is back
Originally released during the financial crash of 2008, the beloved franchise returned last month with its fifth book, Sunrise on the Reaping.
Author Suzanne Collins is delving into the world of non-fiction this time, writing about Thailand’s infamous ‘Black or Red’ conscription lottery policy.
In the new book, Katniss has been replaced with a 10-year-old Thai boy who unfortunately pulled out a red card and is now being shipped off to the frontline.
The Cheese Grater has been reliably informed that the Prime Minister Keir Starmer loved the book so much he will be forcing it to be read by every student in schools across the country to brace themselves for the upcoming National Service.
Meal deals get more expensive again
Remember the time Tesco’s was synonymous with the £3 meal deal? Well, dear reader, those days are over..
Only a couple of months ago, the nation was shocked to find meal deals soaring to £3.50. Today, unless you have a Clubcard, it costs four Great British Pounds. And don’t even get us started on the nonsense that is £5.50 luxury ‘meal deals’.
If I’m having to pay more than £3 for an additive-laced sandwich, Red Bull, and some crisps, the economy is well and truly fucked.
If that wasn’t enough, those greedy capitalist pigs have put up the price of Marlboro Golds to £17.30. This price increase has seen a 150% rise in students seeking mental health support on campus for nicotine withdrawals.
Resultingly, there have been reports of UCL students sneaking into the bathrooms of local secondary schools to buy dodgy fags off 15-year-olds. We haven’t seen such desperation from UCL students since the last time sports night tickets were on sale.
Recession Pop!
Everyone’s favourite recession indicator is back. 2008 saw the rise of cheesy bangers to dance the depression away. From the likes of the Black Eyed Peas’s ‘I Gotta Feeling’ to Gaga’s ‘Just Dance’, music became the distraction we all needed.
The music industry understood that the only way those poor souls at Lehman Brothers would get over the crash would be to boogie the night away on coke-raged benders at the clurrbbb.
The past year has seen this same style of energetic, carefree pop return thanks to UCL alumni (and dropout) Charli XCX and her Grammy award-winning album Brat.
Following the success of the album, the government has started deploying AI-generated industry plants onto the charts in an attempt to distract the nation from our impending doom.
I even saw someone on Twitter claim that Ed Sheeran was “cool”!! People, these really are dark times.
Another Bridget Jones film?
The fourth iteration of the iconic film, first released in 2001, is back. Nothing says the noughties more than a Hugh Grant romcom and a good ol’ recession.
The resurrection of Hugh Grant had middle-aged mums quivering in their seats. The return of Colin Firth also inevitably led to “hear me out” TikToks, as if he isn’t a conventionally attractive man.
Seriously though, do we really need another one?
15% service charges
As if being charged £12 for a burger (with chips not included) London restaurants now have the audacity to charge 15% service charges, even though the order was done through a bloody QR code.
Word on the street has it that on top of this, an increasing number of restaurants are also starting to levy a minimum spend. The culinary industry is truly stooping to new lows.
This utter insanity is once again proof that we are in a recession; the economy is so bad that restaurants are fleecing their customers and still can’t pay their staff.
This article (whoops)
Perhaps the biggest sign of a recession is, in fact, this article.
The trend of everyone calling everything remotely nostalgic or depressing as a recession indicator may be the biggest indicator of them all.
