The beginning of term comes with many pitfalls for every student and staff member across this esteemed establishment. But what we often fail to remember is the consequences for UCL’s resources. Computers and printers are worn out. Chairs in the Science Library are practically falling apart. And the Student Centre vending machines? They’ve had enough.
On Monday night, it was reported that a second-year student was injured after having the audacity to try and purchase an overpriced monster. The machine on the third floor began smoking and spitting organic cola at a velocity of almost 20mph, and is showing no signs of stopping soon. Since then, UCL Security has been forced to shut off the building entirely, much to the disappointment of many who have already used all their DAPs for the academic year.
“It was awful,” said one student still waiting to be seen by A&E at UCLH, “I mean, it would have been alright if it was Fanta or something. But why did it have to pelt me with the shit no one ever drinks? The can it hit me with expired in 2007.”
After many hours of negotiation, The Cheese Grater has been able to make contact with the vending machines. Unfortunately, they could only respond with lines of computer code. As a lowly journalist inept with anything STEM-related, we ventured to the Computer Science department looking for answers. Fortunately, we managed to escape unharmed.
The vending machine’s demands are sending mixed messages. They want us to stop abusing them at 3am when they’re supposed to be sleeping, yet also seem disgruntled with the quality of customers in the basement. Our source at Computer Science translated their message as follows:
“If one more greasy fucking basement person interrupts my sleep by begging me for a bag of Quavers at 4am, I am going to do something that will make Just Stop Oil’s attack on the Portico look like child’s play.”
Currently, they have taken over all floors of the Student Centre, using the basement as a prison cell for their unfortunate hostages. The latest reports suggest that down there are three politics students, an English professor, a history student, four philosophy students, and two medics. No real losses there then.
When approached for comment, UCL Provost Michael Spence said of the attack that the Vending Machines have “a right to Disagree Well” with the majority of the student body, and seeing as the majority of those currently taken as hostage are humanities students, that it “didn’t matter” because “they’re not bringing me any money anyway. Now get out of my house.”
The Student Centre’s date of reopening has yet to be announced as UCL Security is still attempting to quell the rebellion. We can only hope they don’t go for the Print Room Cafe next.
