The student drinking epidemic has taken universities by storm; almost 100% of students are alcoholics.
Experts have pondered the drivers of this phenomenon; The Lord? Lorde? The unstoppable tide of feeling whimsical on a Tuesday afternoon? However, one man’s quest to push this figure to 101% is driving this epidemic to new heights.
Guy Indie-Viduwall, 19, has sparked mass hysteria through his viral challenge of “chopping” a pint everyday until he is elected Sports Rep for TeamUCL.
This challenge involves Indie-Viduwall recording himself reciting a patriotic message urging civilians to vote for him, subsequently gulping down a pint at the speed of Eduroam.
Students across UCL have become enamoured by his chopping abilities and online presence, with Indie-Viduwall calling his dedicated fanbase “Individuals”. Normal student, Felipe Philope, says, “his Obama-like ability to unite a divided populace under juvenile alcoholism is truly inspirational”.
“I was gasping for a hoot on my Penjamin, but it had no battery, which is not minty. Luckily, Guy handed me a pint and, well, let’s just say it all ended in a certain totty getting lucky and dry-humping the flagpole on the Portico. Who knew a night without The Penjamin™ could be so queer!” Hugo Von-Battenburg remarked, recalling his recent night out with Indie-Viduwall.
However, Guy’s glory days came crashing down after students appear to have taken his online hijinks a tad too far.
The Cheese Grater has received reports of a mass-chunning at Institute Bar & Kitchen after a collective of 50 inexperienced choppers tried to partake in one of his reels.
Students have gone to extreme lengths to source enough Guinness to chop, with the Republic of Ireland deploying the National Guard to London after UCL students staged an armed annexation of an O’Neill’s in King’s Cross. Project Active yoga teacher, Pontius Pilates, calls these incidents ”a welfare concern, to the highest degree”.
We interviewed students about how UCL drinking culture has impacted their studies. Mo January spoke out about his experiences with Indie-Viduwall upon arriving at UCL:
“I didn’t drink before I came to UCL, then I met Guy and he told me the only way I would make it through my degree is to excessively neck pints of Guinness alone…never looked back”.
When asked about his responsibility for the harm caused to students, Indie-Viduwall responded “100% of students who I encouraged not to stop drinking have not experienced withdrawal symptoms. Get chopping.”
With the Rep Elections now concluded, The Cheese Grater hopes UCL students will find another consumption-core micro trend to obsess about for the next 6 days and promptly forget about.
