The display, which is found in UCL’s Student Centre and contains Bentham’s preserved skeleton dressed in his own clothes, has been splashed with a coat of bright blue paint and the words “BANG BOX”. Beside the box stands a flimsy plastic table adorned with similarly-themed blue condoms.
For the past two weeks, pornstar and OnlyFans model Bonnie Blue has embarked on a tour of the UK targeting Freshers’ Weeks, aiming to (in her words) “maximise the amount of shagging for the greatest number” and sleep with as many virginal male uni students, too pathetic to have their first shag in their uni accommodation room like the rest of us. While some critics called her tour exploitative, others have called it “fit”.
Now, after weeks of fervent requests from freshers at London’s biggest and most prestigious university, Bonnie Blue has finally agreed to grace the Bloomsbury Campus. This has provided a source of grotesque yet lascivious entertainment for the hundreds of well-adjusted students (with fulfilling sex lives) seated at the study spots throughout the building.
Curiously, while the display case had been vacated to allow for the unholy deeds to take place, Bentham’s Auto-Icon has been propped up to the side, his face facing directly toward the Crate of Sin. Claims that the wax-preserved figure sported a previously-unseen upturned smile have been verified with comparative photographic evidence.
Despite the exhibitionism (for both the living and maybe-dead), turnout for the event was immense, with the queue stretching from the box all the way to the north entrance of Gordon Square, according to multiple sources around the area.
A UCL fresher, who wished only to be addressed as Ben J., remarked on his experience. He had stumbled upon the spectacle after failing to find a single girl willing to carry conversation with him for more than a minute at nearby the Phineas bar.
“Proper weird having this waxed-up old geezer stare at me while I got sucked off, but f*ck me — getting with Bonnie Blue herself, five pints in? Absolute dream, mate”, Ben told us.
Ben then offered to queue for another round with our site investigator. She politely declined.
Multiple approaches to Jeremy Bentham’s wax figure for comment were turned down. However, it’s easy to imagine he would have smiled upon a stunt that increased the pleasure of all participants involved — and perhaps his own too — even at the expense of the Student Centre’s sanctity and reputation.
