Following the recent controversy regarding over 1,300 UCL students being left without accommodation, the university has made a radical commitment to increase hall capacity.
UCL has taken the unconventional approach of converting an existing hotel into student accommodation. Starting from September 2026, the ibis budget hotel at Birmingham Airport will be reopened as ‘New New Hall’.
Situated over 100 miles away from Bloomsbury, a UCL spokesperson has emphasised to The Cheese Grater that Birmingham “really isn’t that far.”
They went on to say that, “Birmingham Airport makes the perfect place for UCL accommodation! Students will only be a short, direct flight of 40-50 mins to Bloomsbury. In line with our Student Support and Wellbeing plan, will also have scenic views of the M42 motorway and NCP Short & Medium Stay Car Park 1!”
Following an investigation by The Cheese Grater, it has been revealed that the quickest flight from Birmingham to London involves a short and enjoyable transfer at Amsterdam Schiphol Airport.
Students may find a direct train a slightly more convenient option; however, Avanti West Coast has confirmed no trains are guaranteed to reach London before Graduation 2029.
Residents lucky enough to be placed in New New Hall will be advised that the quickest way to campus may involve hitchhiking or grand theft auto.
Encouragement to take flights has been met with outrage from climate activists on campus; however, the university has committed to offsetting the increased carbon emissions by completely banning cups in all UCL bars and encouraging students to eat food directly from baristas’ hands in UCL cafés.
Whilst ibis budget Birmingham Airport currently has rooms for as low as £47/night, New New Hall is expected to increase its rates. Speaking to a representative from UCL accommodation, we asked how much this accommodation will cost:
“To maintain equality, New New Hall will be priced in line with our other UCL managed accommodations. Due to slightly higher transport costs to campus, students will receive a £25 travel bursary each month.
This price increase will enhance the student experience by hiring the essential mice and installing more Circuit Laundry machines that are integral to all UCL accommodations.”
Following the approval of New New Hall, The UK Government has advised incoming students to avoid the uncharted areas of ‘Coventry’ and ‘Northampton’, and ensure they remain no further than 100 metres from the nearest Pret a Manger to ensure their safety.
When approached for comment, Provost Michael Spence told The Cheese Grater:
“We cannot avoid placing a small minority of students in accommodation slightly outside of walking distance to campus. One Pool Street was just testing the waters!
To ensure students placed in New New Hall aren’t integral to the Bloomsbury campus experience, we are introducing a new allocation system that sorts students based on traits such as likely membership of Taylor Swift society or Pi Media.
It is essential to ensure we all disagree well when it comes to assigning a select minority to inescapable social death”.
