So. You spend hours researching universities and courses and perusing reading lists and entry requirements. The world sees levels of locking in not seen before nor since in order to scrape the grades needed in order to get in. You quite literally shit yourself on your way into college on results day. Now you’re here. Aren’t you glad?
Worried? You’re not alone. UCL might’ve sold you a dream, but let’s just say the reality is… a tad bit more character-building. You thought joining one of the top unis in the country would be all glory and enlightenment? Bless. You’ve fallen for the UCL charm offensive. But don’t worry, we’ve all been there.
Behind the historic (and extremely dusty) columns of the Portico lies something a bit less picturesque than what you were promised in those leaflets: a chaotic ecosystem of questionable flat hygiene, suspicious kitchen smells, and the creeping shadow of imposter syndrome. But hey, top ten in the world, baby!
Good luck soldiers. You’ll need it.
1) London is Actually Really Affordable
“London actually isn’t that expensive!” They said. “The extra student loan will cover it!” They said. And we all laughed. And laughed. And laughed. Because it’s all very funny.
Looking at pint prices in any of the locals round here actually makes me want to commit graphic suicide. Tapping my Oyster makes me feel like I’ve been stabbed right in the middle of Holloway Road station. Going to the Tesco Express by King’s Cross makes me wish I was hit by a train in the station. I would rather deep fat fry my head than send another rent payment to an evil landlord who is praying on my downfall.
2) UCL Students are Really Clever
If I have to see one more person ChatGPTing an essay plan in the library I will scream. PLEASE. YOU DON’T NEED AN AI TO TELL YOU HOW TO WRITE AN ESSAY. WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR??? ARE YOU DUMB?? DEBORAH YOU ARE STUDYING MEDICINE STOP ASKING CHATGPT EVERYTHING YOUR PATIENTS ARE GOING TO DIE!
UCL keeps saying their students are the future, which is a real concern of mine because if half you lot end up getting these super important jobs you’re aiming for we are well and truly cooked. I’ve read those confessions pages. I hope none of you reading this are doing medicine, because going by the state of those confessions, you’re cooked. Absolutely shambolic. It’s a miracle the student body is still alive and well. Especially when you consider the state of the accommodation some of these crimes occur in. Speaking of…
3) UCL Accommodation is really nice
I would start a group chat for people personally victimised by the absolute shitshow of UCL accommodation, but I fear WhatsApp servers could not handle it.
I don’t mean to scare you, I genuinely did enjoy my year in John Adams (most of the time), but if you’re being sent to the frontlines you at least need to be prepared. My advice? There is no beating the mice. Befriend them. Accept your fate early on, and they might just spare you. Buy a dehumidifier. Bully your flatmates into cleaning the air fryer, because if they don’t it WILL set on fire. (Sorry again about that one Josh). The fire alarm will shit you up every time. Also, that collection of alcohol bottles won’t last. Get a grip and recycle them.
Enjoy!
4) We Really Care about humanities students
My dear friend, after we spent about half an hour looking for a single spare seat on campus, turned to me and said “Why don’t we go to Henry Morley?” To which I responded, appropriately, “what the fuck is a Henry Morley?”
As it turns out, engineering students get an entire building. Just to study in.
Reader, let me tell you. I was seething. As a lowly English undergrad, our department facilities begin, and end, with a corridor and a common room in Foster Court. Quite possibly UCL’s most irrelevant building. It’s quite apt that it’s the English department, because I feel like I’m stepping into an Orwellian nightmare every time I need to go to a seminar. It smells of books. The professors there are lovely. It’s a black hole that voids both time and space entirely meaningless until you realise you’ve been wandering the corridors for three days straight without a single hope of escape.
Look at UCL’s main page, and I can guarantee you that the biggest news is coming from all the wonderful scientific departments that earn them loads of money. Granted, I don’t see how my essay about homoerotic undertones in Wuthering Heights is doing anything to change the world, but that’s not the point!
5) The Student Centre is Amazing
Okay, enough edging. You know what you’re here for. I know you, you sly dog. Enticed by that title. You know who I am (maybe), what I stand for (possibly).
I fucking hate the Student Centre.
Yes, you will find me in there at any hour of the day. That is NOT the point. I fear I may have developed Stockholm Syndrome and have been manipulated by my useless group of friends into thinking it’s the only place I can get work done. You may be drawn in, as I was, by its lovely architecture, and its fantastic views of the best building in London (BT Tower). Oh it’s lovely! It’s got four floors! And a basement! Plenty of space! Look at those vending machines! And it’s got a cafe!
LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER SOUND
It’s rammed. Constantly. The basement is its own special layer of hell comprised of sweaty engineering students and the air has enough caffeine to murder several small children. The cafe will serve you the most awful coffee in your life and you’ll tap your card and smile as £7 disappears out of your bank account. Entire Apple ecosystems will be left for hours as their owners traipse up and down the stairs constantly; desperately searching for one single free toilet.
…And yet? I’ve spent more hours there than in my own bedroom. Something about sitting in silence on the second floor, headphones in, surrounded by empty meal deal wrappers that really brings out the academic weapon in me. And that feeling of finally getting that assignment submitted at 3am? Makes it all worth it.
This article appeared in CG93
