Following the news that Michael Spence will serve as provost for a second term, I was invited to sit with him in a ‘one of a kind’ interview.
We sat in his office, he passed me a cup of green tea, a true gentleman. He took his seat in the provost’s chair; he leaned back far. He was getting very comfortable.
“What do you hope to achieve in a second term?”
From the chair, he looked out at the window. In his right hand was a jar of imported Vegemite (‘the good stuff’ in his own words). He dipped his entire left hand inside and licked each finger clean. With each smack came an increase in the volume of his satisfaction to the taste of the yeast-based substance.
“I hope to achieve more vanity projects.” He replied.
And so I began to delve inside the mind of Michael Spence.
“Can I ask what projects you hope to undertake?”
Michael Spence slapped both of his knees. The next 3 hours became a blur of one ambitious project to the next.
A notable project was the HS2-UCL line; ‘this is a high speed train that would allow students to travel to and from each campus. The demand is certainly high with the amount of students wanting to go to UCL East.’ His pupils were dilated, he was chewing the air. He dipped his fingers in more Vegemite.
‘Several wealthy UCL alumni appeared before me in a dream and said that I must build HS2UCL no matter what. In return I would be promised riches beyond imagination and perhaps a 3rd term as provost.’
Michael Spence has floated the idea to the UCL senate, council, and the Students’ Union. Asking a sabbatical officer of the Students’ Union, they stated, ‘A train is too old school, a high speed train is a waste of money. What we need are airplanes that can get us there in a fraction of the time! Gosh, I could really go for a flight right now.’
“Do all your ideas appear to you in dreams?” I asked.
‘Only the ones that matter. The obesity research centre was a good idea on paper, but it came about during an LSD trip where I was visited by Jeremy Bentham and the cow that cured smallpox. I learnt that drugs offer no good ideas, now I avoid drugs like the plague.’ He dunked his hand in vegemite, and licked it clean, he was sniffing frequently.
Other projects included a Fresher’s Fair in the Air, demolishing UCL East in its entirety and rebuilding it again, finally converting Ramsay Hall into a minimum security Prison, and obtaining a starring role in the upcoming Christopher Nolan film.
“How do you hope to serve the students?” I asked.
“Who?”
“Could I ask about your thoughts regarding the renovation project for the main quad.”
“What?”
“Any concerns about that problematic lecturer that’s been on the news?”
“Never heard of them in my entire life.”
“What’s your favourite movie?”
“Crocodile Dundee”
I left the office of Michael Spence shaken. I stared into Michael Spence and all I could see was a void staring back at me.
