The seasonal illness commonly referred to as the “thing going around at the minute” has rendered the entire UCL student population more useless than they already are.
By virtue of the mild illness sweeping through UCL Halls of Residence, hundreds of students across the University have not been able to do all their reading, causing awkward silences in seminars to skyrocket across departments.
Speaking to The Cheese Grater, one anonymous history of art student noted that “Whilst I didn’t do much reading anyway, I feel like I can’t really be arsed to do any reading right now because my sniffle is too sniffly.”
Students’ Union health tsar and Welfare Officer Rachel Lim told The Cheese Grater that “the uptick in cases of mild flu is not really that deep”, adding that “UCL students need to grow a backbone”, affirming that it is the responsibility of the Union to “end this woke nonsense”.
Sean Dyche, Emeritus Professor of Pints and Proper Graft echoed Lim’s concern, adding that “Brexit means Brexit” and that “woke has gone mad”.
These comments were part of a general foray against the “snowflake students” of this generation made in a press conference after Everton’s 1-0 loss to Southampton on 2 November.
Provost (and good friend of Sean Dyche) Michael Spence said: “In a time of polarising debate, we must learn to disagree well with all parties, and the thing going around is no exception to this rule.
He added: “Ultimately, the thing has a right to self-defence and we must respect that.”
The Provost had since turned off the heating at UCL East and personally shut down the local GP Rigemount Practice to “balance the playing field for the thing”.
But insiders at UCLH have suggested “the thing” has no intention of stopping anytime soon.
“The thing” did not reply to a request for comment.
Readers who feel a bit tired or have a mild cough should get a grip.
This article appeared in the Digestive 5
