Scala has finally gone public on the London Universities Stock Exchange, and traders have taken to WhatsApp group chats to buy and sell tickets, granting buyers a share of the Wednesday night Halloween turpitude.
Robert Delaney Online Editor
Analysts from The Cheese Grater’s market reporting team (hoping to get internships at The Financial Times) noticed a ghastly spike in sales at 22:30 on Wednesday 30 October, the night of Scala’s Halloween Sports Night.
Nearly all society group chats have become vibrant markets, with desperate buyers reaching out on all fronts to find those selling a share in the debauchery. The Knitting and Crochet Society group chat has been the worst hit, with rampant trading between the hours of 22:15-23:00, seeing over 1560 texts sent in just 45 minutes.
The society’s president told The Cheese Grater that the constant Whatsapp notifications ‘disturbed (their) cosy night in’ and made them ‘spill chamomile tea all over the pumpkin carving session’. It is unclear if the London Universities Stock Exchange Group, which accepted responsibility for the incident, will buy the society president another tea bag from Whittards on Oxford Street and a new Pumpkin from the bossman in Kentish Town.
The quietest group chat for trading was that of UCL Labour Society, with our analysts noting reluctance to do business with them so soon after their communist, fascist, neo-liberal, neo-fascist budget for ‘working people’. It seems that Rachel Reeve’s nightmare has come true on Halloween, with future entrepreneurs already reluctant to do business with the party of government. Many have opted to take their trade elsewhere, selling to the Singaporian and Middle-Eastern Student Society Networks due to their minimal capital gains tax.
Analysis from The Cheese Grater shows that the price of Scala tickets rose drastically as market demand spiked before trading closed at 2:00am. The Rare FM groupchat saw prices rise over 1000% from their original value of £3.00, meaning some desperate traders had to settle for buying at £30.00. Many of those buying at £30 had fallen victim to ghosting, sending across money, but receiving no ticket in return, linking to the widespread problem of ghoulish fraud at UCL.
The Cheese Grater interviewed a trader who bought a large (undisclosed) amount of stock at market opening, selling all but two of his tickets for an average of 500% increase in value.
Robert Roberts-Robertson, the UCL Kabaddi Society Social Secretary, told The Cheese Grater that ‘you have to respect the grind set’. He noted his experience in trading simulations as part of the Economics & Finance Society and at his internship (secured by his father) at JP Morgan had prepared him for the ‘cut-throat industry’ of Scala ticket trading. He refused to tell us what his profit margins were, but in transaction documents secured by The Cheese Grater, it seems Roberts-Roberston pocketed upwards of £10 from maintenance-loan fuelled freshers.
The Cheese Grater understands that Roberts-Robertson dressed as Patrick Bateman for Halloween, somewhat spooking the market, and all the women he tried to chat to whilst at the nightclub.
It also has emerged that TeamUCL has some skeletons in their closet, as their army of social secretaries, including Robert-Roberston, have come under fire for insider trading and buying stock before market opening, with an investigation underway chaired by the Students’ Union Financial Compliance and Crime Division. This is a grave development, indicting those at the top of the Union in financial malpractice and goblin up profits from students.
Both the Students’ Union and the TeamUCL refused to comment on the investigation.
