The final three candidates in the Conservative leadership race have come down to former crypto mogul turned prison inmate Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF), former This Morning presenter Phillip Schofield, and a Sack of Potatoes.
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Speaking from Los Angeles Palm Tree Resort & Minimum Security Prison, SBF commented on integrating cryptocurrency across all his government policies.
‘It’s simple: add a crypto curriculum that teaches school kids how to invest in Dogecoin. Make big bucks using their Mom [sic] and Dad’s money and send them my way so it can be used towards important investments that will strengthen the UK, like those vape shops and American candy stores that everyone loves. Of course it’ll work. Look at me, I’m nothing but a success! Hey, do you want to buy an NFT?’
Phillip Schofield, having recently spent 10 days on a deserted island as part of this year’s season of Cast Away, reflected on his time alone.
‘After last year’s scandal, I wanted nothing more than to be out of the spotlight. What better way to do that than by making a move to become prime minister?’
Several of Mr Schofield’s policies, which include increased funding of the war machine, encouraging far-right activity, and sending Holly Willoughby to jail, have been steeped in controversy. Upon requesting a comment from Mr Schofield, a spokesperson close to him, aged 15, called it ‘Immoral from a certain point of view, but not exactly illegal.’
Meanwhile, the Sack of Potatoes has wowed crowds this week by visiting a food bank and donating enough potatoes to last the winter.
‘These potatoes are exactly what’s needed to feed the homeless community,’ said the Head of Food Distribution Mark Reuben. ‘If this spud sack can keep it up, we might see a much-needed shift of values in the Conservative Party towards peace, prosperity, and ending hunger.’
However, several key Conservative figures have publicly criticised the Sack of Potatoes. One Tory MP said in a radio interview, ‘The Sack of Potatoes is all about feeding the poor and homeless. Hasn’t it considered that I get hungry too? I feel under-represented with the lack of concern towards providing caviar and foie gras to me and my fellow MPs.’
The Sack of Potatoes did not respond to a request for comment.