Has the thrill of Freshers been replaced by the eldritch horror that is Turnitin, or worse, UCL Accommodation? I’ve been there too. Just as the autumn leaves return to the ground each year, so did I invariably find myself questioning my entire existence in the same Student Centre toilet stall. But sometime last year, crouched on my usual soggy bog, inspiration struck. I was no bird, and no net ensnared me – did I not deserve bigger, better-sobbing spots on campus? Hell, why should any traumatised undergrad limit themselves to the space between the long snaking queue and the thick wads of soaked toilet paper on the floor?
And so this list was born, after months of painstaking on-site research, to the benefit of newly disillusioned freshers and crumbling final years alike. Am I qualified to give practical advice for your problems? No. Am I here to lend a listening ear? Also no. But thanks to me, kids, you’ll be able to cry in style.
Keziah Cho
5. Phineas toilets
Some people look at the bright red tiles covering every inch of the walls here and deem them overstimulating. I call them visual aids: the adrenaline induced by this bold colour scheme might be just the thing to send you over the edge for a cathartic meltdown. Bonus: come Spring Term, the toilet doors are converted to personal billboards for desperate candidates in the Students’ Union Leadership Race, so halfway through your crisis you can contemplate which sabbatical candidate to place your trust in. That’s a win for democracy.
4. Portico
Basic, but iconic. Between the John Lewis-clad girl picking at her Pret hummus bowl and the couple making out in the back, there should be just enough space for you to curl up in the foetal position. If any of those pesky cap and gown-wearing graduates shoot you awkward glances because you’re having a breakdown between them and the camera, hold your ground. It’s your pivotal coming-of-age moment and they should respect that.
3. IOE Seminar Room W3.08
Seeking an extra-luxe option? This delightfully soulless room in the deep recesses of the IOE offers carpeted floors and a baffling number of spinny chairs, forming an artificial grove perfect for lying facedown. The occasional seminar group might come and go, but don’t let that detract from the experience. It’s efficient too— as a new student you’ll probably be in tears trying to navigate the building anyway, so might as well unleash all that pent-up rage.
2. Law section of the Main Library
Privacy is good and all, but sometimes it pays to make a public spectacle out of your anguish. If you’re feeling like you can’t do this anymore, at least be strategic and drag a few other people into incapacitation hell with you— especially those clear-minded enough to do a career-focused degree. STEM students are androids, so your best bet is the law kids, who will probably be at least a little distracted from their work by someone rocking back and forth on the floor and muttering ‘put me in the ground’. Serves them right for having essentially their own swanky library.
1. Next to Jeremy Bentham
God may forsake the undergrad, but the light of Jeremy Bentham shines perpetually upon the wretched of the Student Centre. Sometimes you just need someone to listen to you, and who better to take your grievances to than the spiritual founder of UCL? Note, through your tears, the golden waxy sheen of his face, the fatherly gaze of his browless (but no less majestic) eyes, the wide benevolent brim of his beige hat promising shelter. Jeremy sees. Jeremy understands.
This article appeared in CG 88