This article was named first runner-up for Best Creative Piece at the 2024 Students Publication Association Awards.
Ben Scanlan
Hello everyone, or should I say ‘Oi Oi guvnah!’, My name is Keith Starmer, I’m a normal, ordinary bloke (just like you!) who happens to be leader of the Labour Party. I’ve been having a bit of an image problem recently… the words used were ‘Gelatinous’, ‘Boring’, and ‘Off-Putting’, so I was instructed by ‘me missus’ to write this ‘day in my life’ to show the ordinary hard working bloke families of the great United Kingdom just how ordinary and normal I truly am.
6AM
Woke up this morning ready for a new day of grafting down the site. Of course, by ‘grafting’ I mean fighting for the normal, ordinary, hard working families of the great United Kingdom… oh, and by ‘site’ I of course mean my offices in Westminster.
Had a normal, hardworking breakfast consisting of a bowl of bacon grease and a pint of Stella.
Bosh.
7.10-7.12AM
Quick tug in the shower to a picture of Baroness Thatcher. She was a great woman who knew exactly what ordinary, hard-working normal great British families needed (that being a reduction in living standards).
Bosh.
8AM
Popped into a ‘super-market’ on my way to work to meet some real hard-working blokes and hard-working normal, ordinary, Great British hard-working families. It’s always so nice meeting real, genuine, ordinary, normal working-class people. The supermarket was called ‘Waitrose’ and I made a hilarious joke about how under Tory rule, people were having to ‘Wait in rows’ to see their GP! Even for simple things like a viagra prescription! (or so I’ve heard).
Bosh.
10AM
Went to Costa Coffee to meet some of the ordinary, regular, normal hard working family men of this great United Kingdom. The blue haired barista (probably under the employ of a certain Jemmy Crobyn no less!) took 5 minutes to prepare my cappuccino!
I was so angry that I had to steal £3.40 from the tip jar to calm me down, however, as the Great British poet Jeremy Clarkson once said: ‘Every cloud has a silver lining’. My Costa crisis has helped me develop a new sensible centre-left policy that will win back Middle England to the Labour party… it’s called ‘Bung a Bob to help Brave Brits kill the woke with hammers!’
Bosh.
12PM
Lunch time! My wife had packed me a ham sandwich, but I didn’t want it, so I took it to a foodbank, and taunted the people there with it. Then I fed it to a seagull. Afterwards, I went to spoons and had a normal, ordinary, proper, Great British lunch of 14 fried eggs on toast and washed it down with 8 pints of Carling!
Bosh.
1.41-1.42PM
Had a cheeky wank to her late royal vajesty the queen… She did so much for our country. RIP ma’am, I hope you’re enjoying those marmalade sandwiches in heaven with Paddington (he’s dead as well).
Bosh.
2PM-5PM
Time for five-a-side footy! I love playing five-a-side footy like a normal, ordinary bloke. I take it very very seriously. I have been known to do the famous, sensible, centre-left act of screaming at my teammates. Unfortunately my team lost, and as a result I pummelled the shit out of the ref with a brick whilst crying like a baby.
Bosh.
6PM
Dinner time, while I watched some telly! Had a lovely roast today, just like many other hard-working great British sensible centre-left normal ordinary families did. I love television, especially television programmes. My favourite tv shows are probably dramas/soaps/comedies/gameshows/reality/shows-about-houses/news/documentaries (delete as applicable).
Bosh.
7PM-10PM
Went to the pub with some hard working, sensible, normal, ordinary, hard-working families. We chatted about last nights ‘Big Game’. If you’re wondering what my favourite team is, it’s coincidentally the same as yours! I was happy/sad (delete as applicable) about the fact that our team won/lost (delete as applicable). Come on you (insert club nickname here)!
I drank 17 pints of Stella, and then I went and helped a homeless man by telling him to get a job. When he asked me for a job I told him ‘Crorbyn left in 2019 buster! We don’t hire homeless people’… there’s no helping some people.
Bosh.
11PM
Ubered home. Reported my driver to the home office because he had a bit of an accent I think. Fell asleep on the front doorstep. I truly was exhausted after a long day fighting tirelessly for the ordinary, normal, sensible, centre-left (far-right), regular, hard-working families and blokes of our sweet, tender, great United Kingdom of Britain and England… ❤️
Your friend,
Keith Starmer MP,
(leader of labour party. (NORMAL MAN))
