To celebrate 200 years of University College London, 6 or 7 performances of UCL! The Musical will be showing this November, despite the fact that we are now in the university’s 201st year. The synopsis promises a story of time-travel as a current student, Connie, an archivist named Clive, and a historian (unknown, but whose name probably also starts with C) attempt to save UCL and meet two hundred years worth of ‘progressive thinkers’.
After a disastrous incident involving a Mint Majesty tea with two honeys, leaked scripts of the show now reveal that among others, Charlie Kirk will be featured in the musical as one of these thinkers. “His name starts with C, and he definitely had some thoughts”, a source – who wished to remain anonymous – told us. “Originally, we were going to include Christopher Nolan, but we remembered Charlie in the neck, uh, I mean nick, of time.”
One year on from Kirk’s assassination, the writers felt it only fitting to commemorate the ‘Kirkaversary’ by including the controversial figure in the musical. Kirk was set to speak at UCL last year before his assassination, chosen in the hopes that his extreme anti-abortion views would counteract UCL’s past association with eugenics.
Counting or not counting along to the beat of the music, Charlie Kirk also has a musical number of his own, rolling his eyes with joy as he dances along to a famous UK poo track. “You’re not on badness, you’re not on badness, you’re not on badness,” he raps, while university students line up in front of him, presumably freshers looking for freebies. “Whilst you was inside, I was outside with your girl called Candice,” he adds, though Kirk’s close friend Candace Owens does not feature in the musical.
It hasn’t been easy getting to this stage, though. Casting for Kirk has proved something of a problem. The team behind the musical have been determined to find a perfect lookalike for Charlie, sourced directly from UCL’s campus, but each audition has left the team more confused than the last due to kirkification.
Everyone who auditions seemingly looks just like Charlie Kirk, and no one can quite remember the exact details of Kirk’s absurdly small face and swoopy hairstyle. The casting director admitted that after a long day of auditions, she looked into a mirror and saw Kirk instead of her own reflection.
At this time, the casting for Charlie Kirk is currently unconfirmed, and the casting team have been unable to reduce their list of options. They are now considering a group of people to play Charlie Kirk - carry the flame, fight for the gospel, etc. If you think you could honour his name and would like to be considered as a Kirk, please send WE ARE CHARLIE KIRK to casting.director.67@ucl.ac.uk.
Turning Point UK Soc has genkirkenuinely denied to comment.