Breakthrough research, led by Dr Ambler and his team at UCL, investigated the way people trudge through Zone One with particular emphasis on ‘hellscapes’ such as Oxford Street, Leicester Square and the staircase in the Wilkins Building.
Surprisingly, the team found a strong negative correlation between the number of incidents of poor walking etiquette and Londoners' will to live.
The study, funded by TFL and an unsuspicious foreign donation, found that if left unchecked people stop in the middle of impatient crowds, dawdle about, and generally can’t find their way. As a result, they are simply unable to walk in straight lines, upsetting the hurried horde of London pedestrians.
In an interview with The Cheese Grater, Dr Ambler stated: “everyone contributes to this tremendous societal failure and we must find a solution to keep the city moving. Simply put, commuters cannot be left to their own devices. They must be taught how to walk.”
Researchers have since proposed a more “idiot-proof” system, requiring all people to show a revolutionary ‘Walking License’ upon entering Zone 1.
A number of measures have been suggested by the team, who have worked closely with the Mayor’s office to create reasonable and simple changes. These changes will be particularly important in the aforementioned ‘hellscapes’ and will aim to curb any ineffectual walking, such as stopping in place, getting in the way of everyone else, somehow taking up the entire pavement etc.
This will create a new pedestrian Congestion Zone, which – much like HMO licensing and any form of public transportation – will have a positive effect on Londoners’ wallets.
First they wish to implement “trying not to miss my 9am” and ”we have a 9am?” lanes, to allow for efficient overtaking. Barging past other walkers will still be allowed and in fact encouraged in tight corners, especially when carrying an obnoxious number of bags, to teach spatial awareness to the masses.
This aims to keep the speeds of the fastest walkers up and out of the way, whilst giving tourists and the hungover more time to get to where they’re going.
Additionally, they wish to test individuals' walking pace to determine which lanes they’re allowed to use. This will have nothing to do with physical fitness, instead focusing on spatial awareness.
Tourists entering the city for the first time will have to pass a separate test and will be placed on specific lanes to be kept away from the speeding and dangerous permanent license holders.
The Mayor, in response to The Cheese Grater’s request for comment, stated:
“This is just another step on the path to making sure London remains the most accessible and best city in the world, as everyone would agree. Especially Nigel.
“We aim to enforce this beautiful new license through an elaborate network of cameras that will notice any deviance from walking laws.
“However, these cameras won’t be used for the investigation of other less serious crimes, because we can’t be bothered. Oh and all data collected will be sold to Palantir!”
The Cheese Grater also approached the Provost, Michael Spence, for a comment:
“I think the whole thing makes sense. On the rare occasion I ‘visit’ our lovely University and am driven past, I always wonder how all those ailing students fit on the campus’ cramped streets. How do they get anywhere without a chauffeur?"