Speaking to a confidential contact from UCL Men’s Rugby Football Club, The Cheese Grater learned of the disappointment felt by many of the newly inducted ‘rugger buggers’ after nothing homoerotic actually took place during freshers week.
“It’s a travesty!” declared our very well-spoken mole, who insisted on meeting us at the back door of the Regent’s Park pavilion. “I was thoroughly prepared to attempt any trial required of me to participate - I even undertook a preemptive bikini wax before moving in.” Alas - his (apparently impressive) array of body hair was lost for nothing.
“The closest thing to real initiation I did was splitting the G in a pink tutu,” protested our source, “and only bigots would think that to be anything close to gay. Clothing has nothing to do with sexuality”, he explained, “you would’ve thought the third-years would’ve realised and actually honoured university rugby tradition.”
“It calls into question why my father spent those six figures on school fees. Most of my leisure time at Harrow-Eaton College for Eligible Young Cunts was spent earnestly preparing for my student days - I could get to half mast before the Harrods Bakery digestive even touched the ground. LinkedIn connections with Peter Thiel’s daughters notwithstanding, this last week has left me with the feeling it was all for nothing. They didn’t even see how much LEGO I could fit up my bum!”
As the (for the record “entirely heterosexual”) fresher’s testimony devolved into a graphic retelling of his ‘Neil-From-Inbetweeners’ inspired feat (his record was thirteen two-by-six pieces for those interested), I felt it right to end the interview there.
However, thoughts lingered on my journey home. Does this shift in induction practice make for worse rugby players? Without bedroom-built chemistry, will our brave boys (#BleedPurple) miss passes and botch plays on the pitch? Only time will tell. Don’t worry though - as no one from KCL ever has sex of any kind, we shouldn’t be at a disadvantage next derby.
For anyone concerned about the wellbeing of our noble source, feel free to contact him @newlyhairlessprop on grindr - trust me, he’ll reply fast.
E.B.