After a disappointing financial year for UCL Accommodation, the organisation has turned to alternative methods of investment, The Cheese Grater understands.
Leaked plans obtained by a mole within the SU uncovered a series of ‘cash-optimisation’ strategies that seem to lead back to the US tech giant and information broker Palantir - which has recently come under fire for its supposed ‘Orwellian’ belief system.
The new plans would involve placing a series of security cameras, motion detectors and facial recognition scanners inside various common areas within Ramsay Hall, one of UCL’s more dire venues.
The purpose of Palantir’s sudden interest in UCL Accommodation is entirely unknown, as is why they selected Ramsay of all places. One resident was asked, to which they stated “Isn’t it obvious? It’s an evil fucking building.” They refused any further questioning and have since gone missing.
Another student claimed it was “something to do with Coldplay”, before reportedly ‘falling backwards out of a window and landing on a machine gun’.
UCL is set to receive a tidy amount for this ‘partnership’, with figures estimated in the high millions. A spokesperson stated: “We’re gonna do another UCL200! We’ll call it UCL300! And this time we’ll get Kendrick to play!”.
The Cheese Grater reached out to Palantir for comment, and surprisingly received a response. It arrived at the flat of an editor in a sealed manilla folder and contained a single human thumb of unknown origin. Said editor is keeping the thumb in a jar of pickles for now, just in case anyone wants it back.
When we inquired about the nature of the thumb through Palantir’s support hotline, a male voice in the background could be heard saying: “The Cheese Grater? Shit! It’s them again! We’re fucked, Peter, we’re fucked. You know they went after John Gotti back in the day? Guess what happened to him! We’re gonna need at least 12 more slander posts about them on UCLscenes.” The phone was abruptly hung up.
Future residents at Ramsay are advised to refrain from divulging any personal information while in the building.