Hello readers, welcome back to an- other edition of Stef Craps, advice from your very own agony aunt Ste- fanie Crapper. Indeed, there could be no better time for some good counsel as we are all a little confounded in quar- antine and stupefied by self-isolation. As an optimist, I choose to look at the Coronavirus as a positive thing. This may just be the chance we’ve all been waiting for to become those people we’ve always wanted to become. Just think, months and months in isola- tion, without glimpsing another soul; this time is invaluable. If you have a crush, be it a classmate or co-worker who doesn’t know your name, then this is your chance to prove yourself wor- thy of them in the only way we know how: by changing yourself beyond rec- ognition. Imagine when this isolation period is over, three, four even sixty months from now, you will emerge a new person, a phoenix rising from the ashes of your former mediocrity and hideousness ready to charm the pants (and maybe even socks!) off your for- merly unenthusiastic paramour. Follow my simple steps and finally embrace the you that you’ve kept tied up in the basement for years, unable to escape through layers of adipose tissue and low self-esteem: the new, improved, real you.
1. Start to steal things. There is nothing sexier than neurosis. We all know this, you’ve only to watch steamy performances like Angelina Jolie’s in Girl Interrupted and Margot Robbie’s in Suicide Squad to realise that nothing sets the senses tingling like good old- fashioned insanity. At least in women. Crazy men are rarely seen on screen pa- rading around with their mouths open in hot pants, but I digress. As I’ve said, the best way to charm your crush is to bowl them over with sporadic displays of battiness and the way to do this is to develop little eccentricities to perfect over your time in self-isolation. Klepto- mania is ideal. It says just enough that you’re a free-spirited anarchist without driving into full on mentalist terri- tory. It’s tantalising without being too threatening. Practice on your house- mates by starting first with small knick- knacks or bric-a-brac. If you live alone, practice on yourself. This will only help to foster the sense of complete insan- ity that should surround you until your re-emergence into society. TOP TIP - don’t push it too far. When you make your first trip to the pub post quaran- tine, you want the response to be “Cor they’re a bit nuts, but I’d definitely do ‘em” not “Alert the parish elders, this loon is about to torch the place”.
2. Glutes, glutes, glutes! We all know that the most important part of the body, more important even than the brain, are the glutes. Five years ago, none of us even knew what the glutes were, but I’d wager that nowa- days “glutes” is the most used word in your vocabulary. Which self-respecting country doesn’t now have a Minstry for the Growth and Protection of the Glutes? None, that’s which. Anyway, nothing will quite capture the attention of an unrequited crush like a brilliant pair. Pair of glutes that is. You want your glutes to be so big that passers-by re-mark “Blimey that’s a humpy camel” and “No Simon, that person is not astride a horse, they just have massive glutes”. The trusty hip-thrust is the only way to achieve this gluteyful look. I un- derstand that most people do not have private gyms at home, despite the num- ber of times yours truly has suggested it in her column. No matter. Our friend the hip thrust can be achieved using a very simple, common household appli- ance that all of you readers are likely to have lying about. The Queen Victoria Potato OvenTM isn’t just the corner- stone of every standard kitchen, it also provides the perfect weight for an ef- fective hip thrust. You should aim to do 15 sets of about 35 thrusts. Any less than that and your glutes will be about as bodacious as the holey pantaloons of a long-neglected scarecrow after a particularly vicious typhoon.
3. Telephone your grandpar- ents. This should be a no-brainer. In this very difficult and dangerous time, the elderly are the most at risk. There could be no better time to re-endear yourself to an estranged grandmother or neglected glutefather. The benefits of this are twofold. Firstly, you win some brownie points for cheering the old buggers up before their demise and secondly, once they do pass, you’ll have inherited enough cheddar to keep your Queen Victoria Potato OvenTM run- ning for months as well as being able to afford the drinks once your impressive glutes have lured your crush to the pub.
So there we have it, readers. Follow these three simple steps and you will find yourself inundated with dates and thrown knickers once you leave your glute temple post Coronavirus TM quar- antine. Until next time, stay glutes and keep well.
Your affectionate agony aunt, Stefanie “Glutes” Crapper
This article is sponsored by the Queen Victoria Potato OvenTM