The Cheese Grater can exclusively reveal further plans to merge UCL departments in an attempt to cut costs.
It would seem that the planned merging of the Modern Language departments into a single entity was just the beginning, Vice-Provost Michael Worton spilled the beans last week at a wine and cheese evening for desolate tribesmen in the North Cloisters. Luckily, our reporters were there to get the scoop.
A drunken Worton claimed that the university would aim to streamline its research programme with a radical merger between Speech Therapy, History of Art and Medicinal Physics. The resulting department, provisionally defined as the ‘UCL School of BBB at A Level’, has been viewed by some as another attempt to deal with UCLs budget shortfall. Worton, however, denies that this is in any way a cost cutting measure. “The merger will allow all these departments to benefit from one another’s ‘niche values™, he asserted, before adding: “Plus we can give them a building in Hackney. WC1 for that load of dreck? Bloomsbury fuck!”
Worton sidestepped the question of Modem Languages completely, with rumours of what the now inevitable ‘School of Languages’ would teach running amok. While applicants for all degrees in question would still be accepted, there would be a single, communal series of lectures in Esperanto. It is thought unlikely that first year students would notice the change, but if such a controversial plan were ever to come to fruition, current students would need to be sent away for 30 minute catch up course over the summer.
When pressed on the issue of Esperanto, Worton only said: “Consider this: German — 90 million speakers, French — 77 million speakers, Esperanto? Literally everybody. If's fucking amazing,”