The Time Machine

Satire / 1 November 2009

Moir: I Know How Wacko Died

Drugs, children and the love that dare not speak its name...

The Humour Desk
MAX HASTINGS — ‘Lego Killed Stephen Gately’ - Page 10

FOLLOWING the sudden death of former Boyzone member Stephen Gately in Menorca last month, there was only one woman man enough to state the facts.

Using her razor-sharp reasoning and intuition for all things perverse, the Daily Mail’s Jan Moir revealed the shocking truth to the information-hungry masses.

Looking past police reports and the opinions of so-called ‘doctors’, Moir was able to prove conclusively that Gately had, in fact, died of gay.

But it would seem that the fearless Moir, hailed by some as a modern day Tiresian soothsayer - an orgy oracle, if you will - is not stopping at just one revelation.

Far from it, in fact, as this week she has once again fearlessly gone against the spectre of expert opinion to spill the beans on the passing of the King of Pop.

Ignoring the piles of meaningless facts and evidence that the case has thrown up, Moir presents an article which proves inconclusively that Jackson, rather than overdosing on prescription medication, melted in Macaulay Culkin’s mouth.

Turn to page 9