The Cheese Grater can reveal that Ivan Cameron, son of Tory Party Leader David Cameron is to broker a ceasefire between Hamas and Israel. Mr Cameron, six, has been described by numerous prominent Zionists such as Sir Gerald Kaufman and the late Lord Walter Rothschild as the “ideal person for the job.”
Mr. Cameron, unlike his drug-taking parents, suffers from cerebral palsy and is therefore virtually mute. An ideal candidate, it would seem if Israel is to be allowed to continue its massacre in the Gaza Strip - until hitting the magic six million casualty tally - with impunity.
“It’s all about communication” said Melanie Phillips, Columnist for the Daily Mail and Jewish Chronicle, “and Ivan has that in spades.”
Moreover, the humour of Ivan - described by noted funny man and lifelong supporter of the state of Israel, Bernard Manning as “Absolutely fookin legendary for a fookin dribbler” - will also come into play. This magazine has even been told (by a undisclosed source at Conservative Party Central Office) that Ivan has a “whole bookful of Yasser Arafat jokes to ease the tension” and that he will communicate them to the key negotiators around the table, by dribbling them out using Morse Code.
Furthermore, Mr Cameron isn’t believed to be beyond slapstick humour either; as Yiddish Comedienne Maureen Lipman said yesterday, “knowing when to involuntarily shit your nappy, in order to relieve centuries of Semitic hostility, is a talent, perhaps even a gift from Y-hw-h.”