The Time Machine

Satire / 1 December 2007

Stop the Maddyness!

Widespread relief as pathologist confirms battered corpse is not that of famous missing child

Claude McNab
Police workers toil relentlessly to return the body to the mine

Police workers toil relentlessly to return the body to the mine

THERE WAS widespread international relief as it emerged yesterday that the remains of a child found in a flooded mine in northern Spain are not those of missing English four-year old Madeleine McCann. When the bruised corpse was found last Monday, there were fears that this might be the end of the road for Leicestershire youngster Maddy, who has been missing since the early summer.

Concerned supporters of the McCann family across the world therefore breathed a sigh of relief when local chief of police Juan Ramirez announced: “We can now confirm that the corpse of an abused child discovered near the town of León is not the body of Madeleine McCann. The case is now closed.”

The body was returned to the mine shortly afterwards by a team of police divers.

Back home in Englan, Martha Higgs, chair of the Middle Englanders for Maddy group expressed her relief in a video conference call early this morning. “Every child is precious, which is why her loss was so shocking. It’s a relief to know that our Maddy is still alive and that this battered, abused, suffering child is merely a red herring in our continuing quest.”