At this time of year, the Oxford University Press traditionally announces the New Year’s batch of light-hearted additions to the dictionary, so contributing to an ever-increasing lexicon. Following research we conducted earlier this year, it has become clear that the English language is full and so no more words will be added.
Indeed, following discussions with the Government regarding the disappointing literacy levels among UK children, it has been decided that, over the next five years, the English language will be streamlined to free up teacher time and to maximise ease of use. While verbs and adverbs will see redundancies, the biggest cuts will take place in the field of nouns – with “doodle” and “whatsit” being pushed forward to take up the slack.
It is hoped that in five years time the language will have been reduced by 20 to 25%, compared to its size in 1984 - the benchmark year. In order to affect a smooth transition, the first round of cuts will only involve words which are deemed to be persistently misused or unnecessary.
Procrastination /pɪs ɪt ə’weɪ/ It has come to our attention that the term procrastination’s sole use today is allowing students to think that by using a posh word, their days spent watching Family Guy on the internet are legitimately spent.
Banter /pærə’litikəli ɪnkↄ’rɛkt/ : (noun) We would like to make it known to Jeremy Clarkson that the term is not synonymous with ‘racism’, as in “come on, it’s only a bit of racism!”. If you can’t use it properly, you can’t use it at all.
Panini /brɛd fə twats/ : (noun) A superfluous term unless you are actually the Queen who eats roast swan paninis or something. In future, when requesting Tesco value tuna in a Hovis roll in a corner café, you’ll have to call it a fucking tuna roll like what it fucking is.
Shizzle /’sɜ:tənli/ : (adv.) OUP has been made aware that the term “shizzle” is not actually used by any members of the black community, and is merely an invention of right wing American scriptwriters. The term is to be withdrawn with immediate effect.
Chillax /kə ʊ’keɪn bluz/ : (verb) Although the clubbing community may have need of a portmanteau of the terms chill and relax to describe passing the weekend on the comedown from spending all your student loan on poppers and vodka, OUP proposes that the term chillax be banished, if only to see if these twerps can get their shit together enough to make a new word.
She and Her /’wɪmɪnz/ : (pronoun) OUP is curious to see how everybody would cope without female third person pronouns. Now, if someone were asking if Lilly Allen had been wanking off tramps you’d have to reply ‘Yes that Lilly Allen has been wanking off tramps.’ Then they’d say ‘Gosh that Lilly Allen’s a character isn’t Lilly Allen?’.
As transcribed by Sam Steddy