THE SELF APPOINTED arbiters of cultural stimuli across the land have united in a campaign to bring satire to the masses. Determined that the highest form of wit will no longer be the preserve of a white Oxbridge educated elite or the paranoid Jews of New York, these celebrities are out on a mission.
Speaking from her cot, Apple Martin – daughter of liberal wank-stain Chris Martin - said that many minorities have missed out on the chance to become neurotic self-deprecating, burnt-out husks of human beings. ‘I mean it’s like some of these people actually think Adam Sandler provides some sort of cultural commentary in the post 9/11 zeitgeist.’ Meanwhile a concerned Bobby Davro added ‘I grew up in the seventies when fuck all happened; by launching our campaign today we hope that future generations will be able to quip and make knowing witticisms worthy of a comment page in the Guardian.’
A series of events will accompany this spasm of philanthropic snobbery. Armando Iannucci has agreed to read transcripts of Beyond The Fringe to underprivileged teens in Middlesbrough, while Chris Morris will be giving extended lectures in the use of double entendre to the inmates of HM Prison Holloway. Hazel Blears, Minister for Something or Other, has welcomed this move as a progressive step in the furtherance of British interests; ‘We all know that foreigners are weird, but it’s only of ‘ironic’ racism by the likes of Al Murray and Claude McNab that we are allowed to laugh for long periods of time into their stupid slitty-eyed faces’. Free milk will be replaced at all primary schools in England by issues of humorous magazines Viz and Private Eye, in an effort to make sure that levels of well informed smugness are maintained. Furthermore, do-gooders such as Frank Bruno are pushing for the national curerature are to be jettisoned in favour of irony, self-depreciation, topical humour, in-jokes and endless self-referencing. Those who lack the ability to make wry asides about the current political climate will be shown Henry Kissinger’s award speech for the 1973 Nobel Peace Prize on repeat until they start vomiting witticisms worthy of The Cheese Grater. Finally, in a blitzkrieg of intellectual bombardment, copies of Peep Show series 1 to 3 will be parachuted into depressed London neighbourhoods such as Limehouse and Bow.
Tessa Jowell, Minister for that Very Important and Expensive Sports Event that is Happening in the Future and Taking Away All the Money From The Arts, concluded that this campaign could help avoid the serious recession in comedy that took place during the late nineties; an era when My Family was commissioned for 7 series and shockingly won several BAFTAS. [You’re fired - Ed]