AN IRISH TERROR group carried out bombings that singed several people during St Patrick’s Day celebrations in London last weekend. Police moved quickly to quell any panic, but were met with waves of confusion as few had actually noticed violence.
Knee-high kneecapper
Just before noon on Saturday, a band of hysterical leprechauns detonated explosives disguised as polystyrene shamrocks in Trafalgar Square. Revellers daubed in green face paint and sporting comical Guinness hats continued to dance and drink, barely noticing the violence. One bystander who was close enough to the miniscule explosions, described the microcosm of chaos as ‘a sudden explosion of wee little green fireworks’, while another commented that ‘one man got his shins slightly scorched - the smell of burnt ginger hair was atrocious’. Despite claiming few direct casualties, the attacks were sufficient to rupture stout supply lines; by Sunday, several Irish ex-pats were being treated for alcohol withdrawal at University College Hospital.
Last night, the Provisional Catholic Leprechauns against Intolerance and Typecasting, a previously-unknown Irish fringe group, claimed responsibility for the attack, announcing that they will no longer tolerate immature jokes which mock the Irish nation. Leaders of the Catholic Leprechaun Association, often seen as the political wing of CLIT were quick to deny involvement. A spokes-leprechaun standing on John Reid’s shoulder said: “We are a legitimate political party. We have no control over the Provo CLIT, but we know that campaign against the capitalist monstrosity that is Guinness, due to the anachronistic and often offensive stereotypes which the company continually endeavours to uphold. Bejabbers.”
Distinctive facial hair
Metropolitan Police are now on the lookout for any further leprechaun bombers, who due to their size are able to pass unseen through many of London’s security measures, including airport scanners, Underground ticket barriers and the back doors of bendy buses. The Met have added that, due to their traditional ‘green’ national dress and the religious requirement to grow a bushy red beard, the leprechauns are difficult to identify and may easily pass unnoticed. When asked whether they would be recommencing the sort of extensive security checks that nearly brought airports to a standstill last year, a police spokesman simply stated that “Good things come to those who wait.”