GOOD NEWS comrades! Your munificent leaders have once again triumphed for the workers in the eternal class struggle. The empowered Union has advanced our cause with the erection of a fine glass wall for the brave revolutionary heroes who slave tirelessly day and night to ensure production and output stays at a high level.
Gang of Four member Robya Swalhovochik announced to the cheering masses from the Portico that the wall is needed to “counter the influence of bourgeoisie idealism from the lazy beatniks in Gordon’s Café, that, and the whinging bastard students that want us to actually do stuff for them”.
In a further move to ensure the future of the Five Year Plan, border guards are to be stationed at the door of the Union’s Gordon Street offices and will be equipped with attack dogs that are ordered to go for the jugu lar of any society president who wants another bursary. Non-Union officials will need to present passports, driving licenses, birth certificates and a urine sample at Checkpoint Jeremy in order to enter the People’s Democratic Republic of UCL.
The Western Imperialists, Comrade Swalhovochik reminds us, will do all they can to stop this development. “They cannot be trusted and their efforts shall fail. The building of this screen will mean we can continue to achieve nothing, just this time we won’t be disturbed whilst doing it.”
This communiqué originally appeared in Pravda Squared.