MALCOLM GRANT is not the type to flog a dead horse, especially when he knows it isn’t financially viable. Having listened to the concerns of staff and students, the Provost has decided to turn his back on some of his plans to change the college. “In retrospect, my plan for Americanisation wasn’t quite right. For too long I’d been looking across the Atlantic, longing to be part of that elite club like a bullied loner dreaming of being able to wank in the showers with the cool guys. It was all so misguided. UCL will still be a global university, but we’re no longer going to base ourselves on the American model. The future lies in Iraq.”
Although the Provost’s plans were originally met with derision and ridicule, Grant stands by them and is ready to convince others of their merit. “Look at Iraq. How many protesting students do they have? In fact, how many students do they have? No state school students there, and not just because someone keeps kidnapping them all!”
Grant believes that, by modelling UCL on Iraq, more people will flock to the university than ever: “If you build a really big wall, people are desperate to get in, no matter what is inside and no matter what the cost. So from Gordon Square to Gower Street we’re going up, watchtowers and all. Of course, in our new-found not-the-fucking-US spirit, we’re going to outsource the work. The current favourite is Israel: they certainly seem to have a good experience of building things that just encourage people to try to get in at any cost.”
Grant really is positive that the changes will boost the popularity of the college: “I think we could probably charge even more if the university had a more positive name like ‘The Green Zone’ or ‘The Promised Land’. But how will the staff react to the new plan? “Well we wouldn’t have to sack as many of them. With the conflict, shady roadblocks and smart bombs hidden in animal carcasses, staffing levels will be naturally decapitated! Er… I mean capped. Even if they wise up to the danger, the Don Squads can always kidnap a department or two. Having said that, science departments would be exempt; research means more money and better dirty bombs!”
The Provost is equally enthusiastic about the benefits that focusing on an Iraqi model will have on the expansion of UCL as an institution: “Federal structures just don’t work. With our new ethos we will spearhead a campaign of land-grabbing and secession that will revolutionise the way universities operate. Soon we will extend the wall into areas that aren’t ours, we’ll take Senate House, ULU; hell, we might even go for the LSE!” Malcolm Grant is confident that his plans will be effective: “After all,” he adds, “everyone in Iraq lives in fear for their lives... what better way to make King’s and the University of London do what we want?”