WITH THE shit-storm over initiations held by sports clubs (read: Men’s Rugby) at UCL only just dying down, Union officers will be dismayed to discover it is not only sports societies getting a piece of the sadomasochistic action. An investigation by The Cheese Grater has revealed that the appropriately named Balls! society douses male newcomers in petroleum, forces them to strip in a ring of fire and then perform poi with their genitals. God only knows what they do to the women.
As one unreliable source informed the CG: “Those tough sports types get all the publicity. I’d like to see them go through our rituals. The society loses five testicles a year on average; it’s just something you have to deal with. Most of our female members used to be men.”
Cruelly, the Polish Society forces young initiates to stand around on street corners, waiting for a white van to pick them up. Once collected, potential members are driven to a building site, where they have to work long hours at below minimum wage.
Further horrors abound at Investment Soc. After joining, you officially become a member; those vindictive cunts.
Yet it isn’t all doom and gloom. The Friends of Palestine stand out as being one of the few societies who don’t view initiation as a matter of life and death. On joining, members are granted a free full-body depilation and are allowed to generally piss around making home videos and experimenting with chemistry sets. Long-standing members are even offered a ‘company car’ although this is not without a hefty deposit, generally in front of an embassy.