STUDENTS AT BRITISH universities were informed last night that top-up fees are to be axed and that the concept of paying for one’s degree will soon be a thing of the past.
Following tireless campaigning from the National Union of Students, universities have agreed that fees of any kind will no longer be charged and that instead, ‘payment’ will simply be made in the form of a pound of flesh upon graduation.
The change in tactics was brought about by the Admission Impossible protest march through central London last October. University bosses believe they can recoup their finances by the sale of student meat as a substitute for that of whales. Pre-empting the move, UCL has announced a ‘Shylock Clinic’ as part of its proposals for the new South Quad. The plans, alongside proposals to serve only burgers, kebabs and pies at the Refectory, will ensure that students can be fattened and subsequently cut up all on site.
The scheme has won widespread support across universities. The NUS announced it was thrilled that “the cost of degrees has fallen from over £15,000 to the sacrifice of a left bollock.”