The Cheese Grater has been given exclusive access to a new UCL magazine in the works. The underground alternative would-never-sell-out-to-Deloitte core of the student body has decided to strike back against the lazy illiterate over-branded shits of an excuse for student media. The result is an approximately 5-photocopied-pages long combination of hard-edged investigative journalism garnished with topical satire, irreverently titled The Potatopeeler. [The Potato Peeler. Get it right – Ed.] Here is a sneak peek on some of the insightful reportage to be published in full next week:
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ThePotatoPeeler-
cutting the tough outer skin of the news with a sharp but safe blade.
Union! Conflict of interest! Scandal! Blood!
By Our roving reporter Rick Trobon-Draxter
The Chair of the committee for acquisition and control of pa-perclips and ink based, semi permanent stationary (known affectionately in political circles as CCACPISS) is one of the oldest and prestigious positions in the whole of UCL Union. It became even more powerful last year when the then incumbent managed to wrestle control of the crucial deciding swing vote on decisions to change the official Union stamp size. Without the CCACPISS behind any move in the Union, it is very difficult to get it passed to the Elevator Committee (that presses all the necessary buttons that takes the proposal up to Union Council); even then the motion cannot be passed without the proposer being forced to humiliatingly mark all documents with an exceedingly oversized ink stamp, including their own head.
Now guess whose mother’s brother’s friend of a friend’s cousin’s son’s daughter’s business partner’s civil partner’s uncle’s nephew’s ex-tutor’s godfather’s grandson has recently been hinted to be ahead in the running to take over the position next term? That’s right, they are exactly the same person! And no one cared to even check this but us, dear readers, your only true friends in this dirty game of politics in which people with relations to other people put themselves forward to take over important positions. For fucks sake!
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When we read pieces like that, we realised that finally some intelligence had got behind the steering wheel of student opinion. We were fortunate enough to sit in on one of their meetings, where we saw how these brains put together satire for the issue. A brief transcript follows:
–Yeah. It’s good but how can be we make it better. You know… more topical… more… what’s the word… controversial.
–Well, I suppose we could draw a comparison between it and Nazism, I mean that is pretty hard hitting…
[general laughter]
…and I honestly haven’t seen anyone do anything like that before. I mean they won’t be expecting that. Maybe it will even make people THINK for once.
–Yeah, we could add in a small moustache on this guy here, insert a picture of Heinrich Himmler in the background.
–Hold on! Do you think people will get that reference? I mean, I don’t want to underestimate our audience but… is it even possible to underestimate our audience?
–Look! I don’t care! We are writing a quality cutting edge satirical magazine here. And if one-person gets it and the rest get offended enough to beat us to a pulp, we will have achieved something.
[murmur of agreement]
–Yeah, I can’t believe how stupid some people are. How did these people get into university when they can’t grasp fucking obvious irony written right in fucking front of them practically signposted for them! I can’t tell whether their Mummy and Daddy smacked them too hard, or not enough.
[pause]
–I cut myself sometimes. I mean just for fun. That’s ok, isn’t it?
[murmur of agreement]
–Yeah… and I think rape is actually good. Sometimes. I do mean only sometimes.
[silence]