Editor, The Cheese Grater, 2004-2006 - Nominated worst student magazine by Slade students, as well as: The Provost, Dean of Students, Campbell House Management, SSEES, Ma-saryk Society, Rayhan Haque, UCL Union, London Student, Coldplay, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Pi, Gandhi, Trevor Phillips, Muslims, Germans, Macmillan Cancer Relief and the Holly Falconer Facebook Pirate Fashion Hit Squad.
STUDENTS threw their foreskins in the air this morning as every poor bastard at UCL realised that René Lavanchy has finally agreed to get the fuck out of their hair by dying.
For 3 years, this man has terrorised them with his goddamn morality, propriety and just plain potato-faced interest in what they were doing. “We’ve never had anyone like him”, the Provost didn’t say. “All he does is poke his nose into student and university affairs. What fucking right does he have? I am the PROVOST. This bandanasporting twat started up a magazine that seems to be based entirely upon making my life hell and occasionally attacking my bodily hair”.
Holly Falconer agreed. “It’s always the bodily hair. No matter how many photos I cut in half of myself and stuck at the front of Pi he’d always do something better. Like spell correctly or something. Well, I’m going to get that belt-needing, hairstraightening, Latin-quoting motherfucker back”.
Nick Barnard was initially indisposed to comment, having recently won the bet that he could fit five (yet no more than five) frogs into his mouth at once and have all of their heads popping out the front. He did, however, manage to write a statement from his drool on the floor when we dangled a bag of pork scratchings in front of him, saying: “Thank fuck for that. The bastard.”
But Nick’s attitude soon changed. As he downed his 16th liquid Terry’s Chocolate Orange, his eyes started to well up and the truth began to heave forward with his waistline.
“I’ve always felt like something was wrong when I was growing up. But René just took it to a whole new level. The bandana, the roaring laugh, that luscious, pouting face he always used to pull as he campaigned for someone else to win the election. He did things to me that no man has ever done before.”
Flatmates of the dead student were quick to express joy. “He was the biggest fuckhead I’ve ever met, and I’ve met Carlos Barat,” declared UCL engineering student Ed Craske, 19, who upon hearing the news, promptly short-circuited the kettle so he could take it apart and fix it in celebration. “All he did was complain that I hadn’t degreased the oven hood vent shaft. Last year, he cooked some shitty so-called stuffed peppers for me and my girlfriend, and she promptly dumped me.” Meanwhile in Malet Street, the nicest thing London Student news editor Cha-minda Jayanetti could say was, “I really hated the way he said ‘Pardon?’ thirty times a minute while you were talking”.
UCL management vehemently denied having ordered that Lavanchy should be put to death and instead released a statement claiming the editor was killed on the steps of the quad. Witness reports claim a masked figure approached Lavanchy and battered him to death with irony, sarcasm and a healthy dose of artistic license before stopping to shout “Liberty! Freedom! Tyranny is dead! Run hence, proclaim, cry it about the streets!” The authorities currently have no leads, but are hoping to speak to several thousand people with potential motives. Unfortunately, 417 of these were trampled to death in the crush to dance on his grave.
Some have claimed that the only ones who will pretend to miss him are the bunch of slaves that he kept in his basement. But other reports have it that emotions were highly charged in The Cheese Grater camp last night. Several hysterical staff writers were found sobbing and touching each other, with one declaring “We only joined because he was well fit! We didn’t even get a shag out of it! Cunt.”
René Lavanchy, student, born 19 March 1984; died 15 March 2006. He is survived by three bandanas and a pencil (noone has yet admitted to being related)