ANTISOCIAL, disrespectful behaviour has become a serious problem lately. Gangs of youths armed with video phones and a few Stanley knives are going around performing “Happy Hysterectomies” and last Thursday a woman was taking her baby for a walk when a strange man pulled it out of the pram, pulled down his trousers and took a massive dump on the baby. Politicians believe that honest citizens should be free to go about their daily lives without being operated on or having their progeny shat on.
Cost benefit analysis has shown that such behaviour is wrong, and suggests that groups of people should be able to exercise their human right “not to be offended by anything” (Universal Declaration of Human Rights, Article 30b). Therefore a group veto system has been agreed.
In order to excercise their veto, a member of a group must use the following formula, inserting the relevant words in the spaces and shouting the whole paragraph together with other members of the group outside some symbolic building such as an embassy.
“Dear Sir/Madam/Deity/Provost/Thing/World,
I do not like what you are [doing/saying/eating/drawing/ shitting on], because it [offends/ angers/disillusions/scares] my group [name group here] and conflicts [lightly/in some way/ heavily/male/female] with our belief that [insert belief.]
If such actions persist I will have no option other than to [[hit/ shout at/eat/bomb/burn/defile/ gas/campaign against/run away with your embassy/laboratory/ children/facebook]/tell the teacher.]”
Veto applications will be processed faster if a group manages to arrange the words of the veto into some sort of chant-able rhythm, e.g. “Tessa Jowell, hear us say, some bastard shat on my kid today”.
Notes for applicants:
If you chose to bomb the scientific laboratory and you are a member of the ALF please consult page 940 of the official handbook for a more specific veto form.
If you chose to slay the dragon with the golden sword, turn to page 58 to find out what happens next.