LIZZIE Winner and May Chervalier were found severely killed all over London yesterday in a horrific and unprovoked attack.
A man is being held on suspicion of what police have termed a serial molestation killing (SMK). Lizzie, 17, with a bright future ahead of her in the telesales sector, was found fatally dead by police at the scenes of the crime: her head was in Collindale, a foot in Belsize Park and her left tit in Wood Green. Paramedics failed to resuscitate her at any location. A forensic examination suggests the wounds are consistent with the use of a meat cleaver, several MAC 10 bullet sprays and the wheels of a 7-seater mini-cab.
The suspected killer was apprehended after he attempted to sell the body of May to a kebab shop in Hackney. At the time of going to press the likelihood that the suspect was a foreign asylum seeker has already been established but not precisely how much in benefits he sponged off the state before taking the lives of two innocent angels; buy the Evening Standard on your way home for more details.
Upon being told the details of the deaths, friends of Lizzie commented “fuck off shitheads, can’t you see we’re upset” while May’s fellow pupils at Saint Rabbi Mohammed’s Multi-Faith Academy began crying profusely and were unable to comment. Lizzie’s parents later issued an official statement through their cat: “This is a very hard time for us, but we take some solace that our Lizzie’s final hours have reached the front page, bringing paranoia and fear to people all over London - we feel it is what she would have wanted. The commuters will be thoroughly entertained and at least they did not have to run with rising petrol prices on the front page again. We thank the Metro for respectfully describing our baby’s death amongst the adverts for 2 for 1 offers at Marks and Spencer and Lastminute.com holiday deals.”
ON PAGE 4: How molestation killings affect petrol prices: full analysis