Tube seat changes
TUBE companies today announced plans to institute radical changes in the seating arrangements on trains. Com- panies voiced concern about the fact that many passengers pay the full fare only to spend the entire journey standing up. Mike Mountebank, chief executive of CrapRail, said “This is clearly unfair. Therefore, we are getting rid of all the seats so that everyone is equal.” Rival firms have suggested that, to provide provision for the elderly or disabled, some carriages would have one seat, which would have the added benefit of providing Tube workers amusement as they could watch crowds fight over it.
Cod returned
A batch of cod caught by trawlers in the Channel has been thrown back in the sea on the grounds that it was trying to unfairly claim asylum in the UK. Terence Shepherd, the president of the Grimsby Waterfront Residents’ As- sociation, said: “We don’t want any smelly foreigners trying to take all our jobs, even if they haven’t got any hands and can’t live outside water. And cod aren’t living under a dictatorship, are they?” Further comment was curtailed by a spate of bad jokes about the 1960s animated TV series Stingray.
Playwright arrested
A man claiming to be William Shakespeare was arrested yesterday af- ter his play Henry V (in which the king’s famous speeches about patriot- ism hide the fact that he went to war over a personal disagreement with the French king) was deemed to be incit- ing religious hatred .The Prime Minis- ter made a statement last night saying: “He’s lucky that he lives in a democra- cy where he can say such things…..he’ll be shot tomorrow.”
Police Initiative
Concerned about the number of incidents where unarmed people have been shot, the Home Office announced today that it was taking steps to deal with such problems. Now, all crimi- nals suspected of carrying a weapon will be handed a short questionnnaire to fill in, aimed at removing all doubt and thus preventing future tragedies. A sample is reprinted here:
Which of these best describes the object you are holding?
