Universities aren’t what they used to be. Gone are the days when they could be funded through a sheer igno- rance of financial reality. Suddenly, massive losses are ‘not profitable’. Con- sequently, below are a few suggestions that should change the way UCL is fund- ed for many, many years/days/hours to come (or until bailiffs take Mr. Bentham’s replica head for Tussaud’s model of Kylie Minogue’s arse).
Thatcher was on to something with free-market economics, even if the political left maintain she raped the country (the mind boggles with what she had in mind for Cornwall). There- fore, why not allow private companies to run the university? It could be re- named after some famous brand, like Coca-Cola or, even better, Panda Cola. Alternatively, the university could be used for advertising purposes, like turn- ing the Cruciform Building in to a gi- ant Air Wick Plug-in. Even better, Pi could become a sycophantic promotion- al tool for Coldplay! No, wait…
Given that a university education is priceless, why not apply that theory to running one? Teaching staff, by far the biggest waste of money, could be replaced. With bricks. Expensive sub- jects of little practical use, like medicine and engineering, would have to be scrapped. Instead, there would be cours- es on coal mining and crazy golf course management. If cost cutting isn’t enough, why not indulge in a bit of as- set stripping? The college itself, for example. UCL could relocate to beau- tiful, downtown Beirut or Kabul and be renamed UCKFUCL, or University College Kabul, Formerly University College London.
Or, on the other hand, why not just raise tuition fees? [Shut up, or next issue will just be letters from the NUS – Ed]