SHOCK AND INDEED AWE was felt on Friday, when a sizeable area of North London declared itself inde- pendent of the UK. The territory ex- tends over both branches of the North- ern line, covering Golders Green, Finch- ley and the strategically vital Mill Hill. The new power set up borders and check points to prevent uncontrolled “commuter” immigration to the new republic from the UK.
The new nation’s ambassador to London, UCL student Samuel Lebens explained: “We always thought there was something fishy about the original promised Jewish homeland. For a start it seemed both God and the British gov- ernment had promised the land to dif- ferent peoples at different times. The Balfour declaration early last century suggested Britain had the right to hand Israel over to whoever it wanted, but this was completely inconsistent with the property rights of the inhabitants. What’s more, God promised us a land flowing with milk and honey. Not a desert. But now we have found a terri- tory that Britain both has a right to hand over, and looks far more like a Jewish homeland anyway.”
Ken Livingstone, mayor of Lon- don, reacted angrily to the surprise se- cession from his kingdom. Fortifying Hampstead from a potential sneak at- tack, he promised to “drive them [the rebels] into Edgware!” He then had to back down when it emerged Golders Green may have already developed nu- clear weapons at a secret base in Vic- toria Park. The US State Department advocated diplomacy when it learnt there were no known oil stocks beneath the new suburban superpower. But Ken fears a domino effect of secessions. Al- ready, residents of Manor House have been spotted in discussion with Turkey over support for a potential rebel move- ment. Meanwhile, sources from Cam- den Town say the area may attempt to ally itself with the planet Mars, where its inhabitants claim their allegiance lies.