A REPORT commissioned by Associated Churches has found that Heaven has significantly lowered its entrance requirements. Comparing Heaven’s gate policy of the 21st cen- tury with only five hundred years ago showed a marked 1000% increase in those allowed into Heaven, even after adjusting for population density. “It used to be harder for a rich man to get into Heaven than for a camel to pass through an eye of a needle,” said one dismayed theist. “Now anyone who has made a donation to the tsunami appeal or ever helped an old lady across the street is practically guaranteed a place.” The report concludes the marked increase is due to generations of philosophies and sciences that mit- igate people’s responsibility for their actions. Whereas before, Heaven made a decision based on the number and gravity of sins committed by persons, new government guidelines demand it take into account the background of the souls. Their socio-ethic background must all be considered. In addition, Heaven is no longer allowed to dis- criminate on the basis of race, gender, sexuality, genetics or even the religion of the person. All these added factors almost entirely rule out any personal moral responsibility.
“The only people we still refused into Heaven are murderers, rapists and journalists; but our policy on murder- ers is currently under review,” St Pe- ter announced as he looked over a clearing application for a suicide bomber who was guaranteed a place in heaven when still on the earth. The rise in entrants has also corresponded to a higher dropout rate.
“People seem to assume that Heaven is a place for everyone,” Sa- tan’s official spokesman said, “but this is simply not the case…[a late homo- sexual] recently returned to my flock after explaining that the sort of ecsta- sy given to him in Heaven was not for him (He should have gone to the oth- er Heaven, where it can be obtained for little, if anything — Ed.). In mod- ern times, when people have very dif- ferent conceptions of the good, remem- ber that we offer a wide variety of Af- terlife solutions. Many will achieve and enjoy themselves more in Hell.”