Coldplay “fucking tired” of being mentioned in Pi
by DIRK PLODDER
COLDPLAY, the band who formed at UCL and made it a hip and fashionable haven for all self- respecting students whose parents are investment bankers, announced yesterday after reading the Freshers’ Issue of Pi that they are fed up of being mentioned in the magazine, and never want to feature in it again.
Jonny Buckland, guitarist and former resident of Ramsay Hall, said on the Guardian website: “We’ve had enough. We’re just fucking tired of being the only thing that can widen UCL’s appeal beyond people too stupid for Oxbridge who can afford London bar prices. Especially when that obviously hasn’t worked.”
Fortunately, UCL’s media promoters need not worry. Pi, which used to be edited by Jonathan Dimbleby by the way, can exclusively reveal that UCL alumnus Ricky Gervais, who since the success of of ‘The Office’ spends his days doing circuits of Russell Square trying to get noticed,is still happy to be featured in Pi.
Meanwhile, we will try and whip up the media profile of Digby Jones (Laws 1977), the chief executive of the Confederation of British Industry, into that of a rock band. Failing that, I suppose we could try with that woman from Elastica.
Leeds students ‘anti-pencil’
by SALLY HUMPHREYS
A NEW STUDY by Leeeds University has proved conclusively and for the the first time ever that Leeds students don’t really use pencils any more.
The research, conducted by the university’s centre for cultural studies, has finally shattered the long-standing popular myth of the ‘pencil-using Leeds student. According to the survey, conducted over the past 20 years, less than 0.2% of the student body at Leeds admit to owning a pencil, let alone using one.
“The importance of this research simply cannot be underestimated,” a spokesman for the university said on the Guardian website. “There’s clearly been a watershed in student behaviour over the past two decades”.
The National Union of Students (NUS) was quick to play up the negative side of the researach. “This study shows that, without grants, few students can now afford to buy and maintain a pencil, even outside the M25,” said NUS President Kat Fletcher, herself a Leeds graduate.
Fashion
by TOBY CHISWICK
While in October the recommended haute couture outfit was a classic, yet daring combination of jeans, jacket, shoes and shirt, in either a ever-stylish combination of tonal shades or a daring thrilling contrast, this month Pi is lauding the boho chic of art students. So it seems the readership can rest assured that no matter what the wear, Pi will approve.
Pester the Provost
Pi asked MALCOLM GRANT a series of difficult, probing questions...
Q1: Provost, why are you so clever and brilliant?
Ha ha ha. Good question, thanks for asking. Well, it took years of practice. First I had to be a law professor at UCL and teach lovely students like yourselves. But some of it’s just a gift, really. I like to think of it like a sort of divine right. Anyway, I couldn’t be any worse than that tosser Roberts, could I?
Q2: Are you pleased now we’re Sunday Times University of the Year?
Oh yes, very pleased, very pleased indeed. This is a tribute to the fine academic standards...tradition of excellence...biochemistry...liberal tradition... (to be continued)