The main library was put into quarantine over the weekend as the black mould plaguing the reading rooms came to life, taking control of the entire building.
The Cheese Grater first became aware of the growing problem a month or so ago, when one of our journalists spotted the stuff in the vents of one of the reading rooms.
Further inspection of the other reading rooms showed the same thing: black mould growing from the vents, creeping out onto the walls.
However, things got significantly worse when a brave journalist arrived at the library for a late-night study sesh (locked in, committed, academic weapon).
As they went in, they noticed that the windows on the doors were entirely covered with a strange, pulsating, vine-like black substance.
Always prepared (as every good journalist should be), they grabbed their Biohazard Incident Kit from their backpack, PPE’d up, and ventured inside.
They reported that the ground was entirely covered with black speckles of mould, that seemed to spiral underfoot.
Slightly bemused, they also noticed that there did still seem to be students inside, studying away.
As they approached, they noted that the same tendrils of mould crept across their faces like cheap mascara after a Student Centre breakdown, and that something was definitely wrong with the students.
They spotted one student, who seemed to have gone entirely insane, reading biochemistry papers for fun. Another, who was muttering “a 2-1 is doable” over and over again while opening, closing, and reopening their assignment results page on Moodle.
A particularly terrified student was cowering in the corner, screaming for Jeremy Bentham to leave him alone (a horrifying hallucination that the journalist reported they too had seen briefly, with Jeremy Beartham close behind).
Making their way towards the Flaxman Gallery, they spotted what looked like a large tentacled mass curled around the statue, and as they approached, disinfectant spray at the ready in their gloved hands, the infected students turned and spoke in a hive mind-like unison, praising the mould for its informative power. They claimed that it was ‘way better than ChatGPT for summarising books,’ and ‘we’ve never been more productive,’ in a cacophonic voice.
Horrified by the mere mention of AI, our journalist went on the offensive, wielding their Cillit Bang black mould spray in an epic battle until the sentient mould finally dissolved with a many-voiced scream, leaving only a labubu and a Cosmic Vibe Celsius in its wake.
Research into these items by our Dark Magic journalists revealed an Etsy witch spell intended to create a personal AI with these items through the ritual sacrifice of a labubu went wrong and gave sentience to the mould. These items have since been safely disposed of.
We thank our journalist for their diligence and bravery in cleansing the library, and advise students to practice their dark rituals in sterile environments, so that no one ever has to see those Jeremy Bentham or Beartham hallucinations ever again.
