We all know this time of the year comes with many a trial and also many a tribulation and also many a trip to the Science Library’s scamming vending machines.
Well, fear not reader, for I have composed the ultimate survival guide for crashout season, uh, sorry, I mean exam season. Trust me, I am the ultimate authority on this. My two exams this year were both open-book and online, so I’m basically an expert.
Accept the fact that you will live off of meal deals for at least a month
Whether you have six coursework pieces due or you have to drag yourself to the Excel Centre hundreds of times, you are gonna have to live with the fact that meal deals will be your only option for survival. My advice? Just suck it up and bear it, because TCR Tesco would go out of business if it weren’t for sleep deprived UCL students crawling there at 1am for a shit chicken club sandwich and mango monster. No, you’re not special for getting fruit in your meal deal. Fucking grow up.
Lean into the crashouts
This might be a hot take, but I love crashing out. Nothing fills me with more joy than just letting it all out, openly screaming at my flatmates and throwing my textbooks against the wall in the middle of the night. If I have to suffer, then so does everyone else. Preferably, they will suffer more so I feel better. On an unrelated note, I’m being evicted and looking for a room asap. Let me know if anyone has anything x
Understand the Student Centre CEO pod will not save you
This is aimed specifically at the weirdos who decide to actually use the pod (Cell, surely? Ed.) they randomly decided to install in the Student Centre. I think these people have some kind of humiliation kink, because why on Earth would you want to sit in a little glass box so everyone can watch you study? Pathetic. Do you want me to TikTok live it so everyone can tell you how unique and special you are? Get a grip.
Accept you will never sleep again
Take this as a warning. I’m not here to tell you not to pull all-nighters the night before your exam, because who are we kidding here? If you’re gonna do it, you’re gonna do it. Even if you don’t need to do it, you will do it. Something in your brain will tell you that the only time you can be productive is at 3am, and you will believe it. You spent all day being a brainrotted freak, and look where it got you. Well done. Hope you’re proud of yourself.
So there you have it — the definitive guide to surviving UCL exams. Following these tips will ensure paramount success. You will certainly not regret enrolling with this institution in the first place. Who am I? Am I just a bunch of highlighted notes stuck together into a person? Yes, I’m doing fine, thanks for asking.
This article appeared in CG92
