This term again, the glorious Pie Media has embarrassed your woke excuse of a dairy enthusiast club on every possible playing field.
We will concede though, that this time, we had to put in a real shift to reaffirm our natural superiority.
Your propagandistic “investigations” apparently weren’t enough, and the insufferable blue-haired cry babies that you are had to delve into campus news. In line with your out-of-fashion 2004 aesthetic, you even launched a newsletter, the Digestive. Now that really took the biscuit.
So, we mulled things over and came up with a brilliant solution: a Renaissance. What’s better to re-assert our dominance than yet another bougie French word? It makes us sound so darn smart. Brace yourselves for Bon Voyage, our next 60-page dentist waiting room mag.
Rebirth meant our well-needed return to campus news, for the first time approximately since our beloved Thatcher triumphed in the Falklands. To make your mouth water, we published a few news articles. But that was just paving the way for greatness: our brand-new campus news TV show.
The Digestive crumbles, long live The Slice! The heart of the people is ours, and so is the food lexicon.
Loyal to the bold and provocative spirit which has guided us since 1946, we rejected the diktats of left-leaning modern journalism. Namely, we’ve refused to use microphones in our reporting.
Unlike you, anarchist Graters, we chose not to disrupt the Union’s thriving democracy. We rather gave voice to the powerless in ground-breaking investigations, such as our emotional six-minute segment on the importance of Stratford Westfield for East campus students. They have so little, yet so much!
Dear eternal second, just give up. Forget your childish logo and your ugly yellow; Pie Media will forever be la crème de la crème.
This article appeared in CG89
