So, it’s Halloween and you’ve only just realised you don’t have a costume. Well, don’t panic! I have compiled a list of the greatest UCL-themed Halloween costumes. Cor, you are lucky sods.
Holly Turner
1. Jeremy Bentham and his box
Sorry to the SU’s TikTok account, but a Jeremy Bentham costume is boring. It’s overdone. Completely lacks originality. ‘Ooooo what should I be for Halloween, a dead guy in a glass cage?’ Grow up.
A slutty Jeremy Bentham, however? It changes the game.
I cannot be the only one who’s looked at old Jezza sitting in that box and thought, ‘Yeah, he’d be ten times better if he was sluttier.’ I’m talking fishnets. I’m talking getting rid of that horrific frilly scarf number and unleashing those sweet sweet Bentham knockers out into the world. It’s what we all deserve.
And if your boyfriend’s going ‘Ooo but I wanted to dress up all matching’, well do I have the solution for you. Do what he deserves. Lock him in a big wooden box for the night. Maybe then he’ll stop yapping.
2. Half and half Lib Dem/Labour
Now this next one’s a bit of an avant-garde piece, but stick with me here. Because here at UCL, you can be anything. And if that means being the president of both the Labour and Lib Dem Soc, then so be it!
And if you find yourself in a similar situation, then why not capitalise on this genius move? I’m talking about a half-and-half costume here. Maybe paint half your face red and the other half a luminescent orange. One-half of your body can be in a zipline harness, Ed Davey style. And the other half? Well, maybe you could start with robbing people on the street and go from there. Find Jeremy Corbyn and just spit on him. Whatever floats your boat really.
3. Hall mascots
These next ones are for any brave soldiers out there who have battled with the cesspit that is UCL Accommodation (or to those whose pain has only just started…. Godspeed friends).
Starting strong, you could dress up as a John Adams Hall mouse! There was really nothing better than trying to make a sandwich and instead wondering why the fuck all your bread has been nibbled at. So fun trying to figure out if it was that weirdo across the Hall you haven’t spoken to in three weeks or a massive fuck-off rat. Very cutesy. Very mindful. Very demure.
Next, we have the infamous Ramsey Hall phantom shitter. A bit more classical Halloween for all you diehards out there. I mean, all you need is a massive white sheet, a pair of scissors for eye holes, and handfuls of shit if you’re really dedicated. And, if you’re looking for a matching costume, why not have your beautiful partner dress up as the shit in question? You are WELCOME!
4. UCL East
This is great for the people who like to think they’re more intelligent than everyone else, because absolutely nobody will know what you’re dressed as. Just a cool and casual £250 million campus that no one will ever use, but whatever.
For UCL East, maybe you could dress up as one of the bookless libraries, or that massive fuck-off globe that no one will ever see. Take some cardboard and dress up as one of the forgettable buildings, or go all out as a robot that serves in one of the dead cafes. The possibilities are endless!
The remaining suggestions I would like to call the Massive Virgin section. Basically, you wanna be dressing up as any of the following if you don’t want ANYONE to come near you. Tired of unwanted attention in clubs? Taken and don’t want anyone to approach you? Socially anxious? Not a problem. (Side note, I can recommend not showering for, well, every single one of these. It’ll really help to add to the effect).
5. Med student
For this one, you’re gonna need a lab coat you Amazon Prime’d in a panic during first year (who the fuck owns a labcoat anyway?) and an infuriating tendency to remind everyone around you what you study, at all times. Add massive eye bags to enhance the effect and spend a day or two floating around Cruci, just to make sure that medic stench really sticks.
6. Regular Scala attendee
People who attend Scala on the regular… are you okay? Like, genuinely. This is a pretty easy one, all you need is to come up with the worst clubbing outfit possible, and wear it. For bonus points, be obnoxiously loud all night. Make sure you’re covered in sweat, and don’t forget to shove into as many people as humanly possible, to really add to the authentic Scala experience.
7. President and Provost Dr Michael Spence
UCL’s hero, give it up for Yapper of the Year Michael Spence. Remember everyone, in this time of increasingly polarised debate, it has never been more important for us to be able to Disagree Well. Why not pay respects to UCL’s favourite celebrity by taking the most expensive suit your pitiful student loan will allow you to purchase, and practising your favourite soul-sucking grin in the mirror?
For good measure, walk around with the air of knowing you’re better than everyone, and pepper in some good old fashioned Michael Spence phrases. My personal favourites include ‘free speech’ and ‘Support for academic freedom and freedom of debate requires that a university not adopt an institutional position in relation to any given issue, including an issue of armed conflict.’ So cutesy!