Why men love me

I am 5’2, petite & super easy to pick up

I am skinny (but I have a fat ass)

I am blonde (obviously fake- but they don’t need to know that)

I wear cute girly thrifted y2k clothes: always on trend, who cares about personal style lol? 

I have no piercings that they can see (but I take my septum out when I spot a skater boy)

I shave my entire body once a week. I preach about body hair positivity but I just don’t like my own. Of course, they just think I don’t have body hair…

I do not get periods!

I am on birth control 

I am lowkey enough about my beliefs that they still think I am hot. 

I am the manic pixie dream girl in any twenty-something man’s story.

I am a horny drunk, so they think that sleeping with me while drunk is not actually a sex crime but an easy way to a quick lay!

I am not a feminist.

I split the bill. God forbid a man pays for my meal when we are supposed

to be in the age of #feminism and #equality. Why should he have to prove that he can provide? But, I slip my man my card to pay when he feels insecure about his masculinity.

I loooooooove sex. Especially the first 3 minutes of it!!

I reassure him that it’s really hard to make me cum. It’s okay that he can’t find the clit I repositioned him on five times. I just have a difficult female body. It’s not you, it’s me. 

I have mid-size boobs, not too big to be girlfriend material but not small enough for you to have to convince yourself that small boobs are your type. I am the perfect balance of Madonna and whore. 

I don’t manifest my mental illness; not yet. For now, I am just a cute girl who listens to Lana Del-Rey. The crying and dissociating comes later.

I am bisexual. But not in a gross way, in a: “We can have threesomes”, “Of course we can do it with your girl best friend!” way. 

I don’t have a gag reflex (not that it’d make a difference).

I am not at the stage of my life where I relate to the cool girl monologue.

I have a distorted vision of intimacy because of film and literature, big up Sally Rooney! So don’t worry, whatever you do I am going to fall in love anyways :P.

This article appeared in CG Issue 83.