I am 5’2, petite & super easy to pick up
I am skinny (but I have a fat ass)
I am blonde (obviously fake- but they don’t need to know that)
I wear cute girly thrifted y2k clothes: always on trend, who cares about personal style lol?
I have no piercings that they can see (but I take my septum out when I spot a skater boy)
I shave my entire body once a week. I preach about body hair positivity but I just don’t like my own. Of course, they just think I don’t have body hair…
I do not get periods!
I am on birth control
I am lowkey enough about my beliefs that they still think I am hot.
I am the manic pixie dream girl in any twenty-something man’s story.
I am a horny drunk, so they think that sleeping with me while drunk is not actually a sex crime but an easy way to a quick lay!
I am not a feminist.
I split the bill. God forbid a man pays for my meal when we are supposed
to be in the age of #feminism and #equality. Why should he have to prove that he can provide? But, I slip my man my card to pay when he feels insecure about his masculinity.
I loooooooove sex. Especially the first 3 minutes of it!!
I reassure him that it’s really hard to make me cum. It’s okay that he can’t find the clit I repositioned him on five times. I just have a difficult female body. It’s not you, it’s me.
I have mid-size boobs, not too big to be girlfriend material but not small enough for you to have to convince yourself that small boobs are your type. I am the perfect balance of Madonna and whore.
I don’t manifest my mental illness; not yet. For now, I am just a cute girl who listens to Lana Del-Rey. The crying and dissociating comes later.
I am bisexual. But not in a gross way, in a: “We can have threesomes”, “Of course we can do it with your girl best friend!” way.
I don’t have a gag reflex (not that it’d make a difference).
I am not at the stage of my life where I relate to the cool girl monologue.
I have a distorted vision of intimacy because of film and literature, big up Sally Rooney! So don’t worry, whatever you do I am going to fall in love anyways :P.
This article appeared in CG Issue 83.