The athletics community was up in arms this summer following the news that Caster Semenya, Women’s World Champion over 1500m, was actually endowed with both male and female genitals.
While the world turned away in horror, The Cheese Grater Magazine commissioned me to look back at some of history’s great female achievers. Prepare to be surprised at what I found when I lifted up some very distinguished skirts:
Joan of Arc
‘Beardy Joan’, as she was known to those who got close enough, was a recognised hermaphrodite. But her true gender was masked by a Catholic Church desperate to cultivate the myth of a female figure possessed with the power of the Virgin Mary. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire springs to mind. Because she had testicles.
Elizabeth I
‘I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a king’ said Good Queen Bess, before defending our great nation from the Spanish Armada. But as we discovered, she possessed not only heart and stomach but a cock and some balls to complete the set. Britain’s greatest monarch a woman? Bollocks to that, metaphorically and literally.
Margaret Thatcher
She fucked the kids, she fucked the miners and she fucked the Argies, but by God she didn’t need a strap on to do so. Sources from deep inside the Conservative Party have informed us that the Iron Lady always left the toilet seat up in the House of Commons. Frankly it’s no surprise — are we really expected to believe that a woman led this country through an entire decade and won a war? Those are man things.
Beyoncé
Yes, that’s right. In the greatest celebrity cover-up of the century — other than the extent of Richard Hammond’s brain damage — the R’n’B singer has kept her penis secret for a decade by diverting the public’s attention to her ‘booty’. I’d still have her in a reasonably-priced car any day.